Getting Back On The Right Path

Hey Everyone

How are you all? 

I know it has been a fair while since I last posted and there are a few reasons for that. Having said that, I'm happy to say I am back and plan for it to stay that way. 

To get back into it I wanted to talk about a couple of the reasons as to why I stopped blogging and where I am at today. I will do a separate post updating you with my health properly but once you start reading you will understand what I mean. BUTTTT you probably want to grab a cuppa or something because it could be a long one... SORRY NOT SORRY! 

I started my blog and my Youtube channel for that matter to help raise awareness of my health, to try and help others out there who are suffering with chronic health conditions or help those around us understand what it is like and to be able to continue entertaining people as I have always been into acting since I was really little. The feeling I got when I was receiving comments saying something I had written or put up on Youtube had helped them in whatever way it was or that my video cheered them up and made them laugh that day when it was a difficult one was amazing (especially if I was

also having a difficult day). If I am honest it helped me realise that anything was possible regardless of my health situation. Sure, things had to be adapted or achieved in a different way but it wasn't going to define me or make me unable to do what I wanted even if it was in a way that I had not thought it was going to be. Hell, I got to be in the DailyMail online and on ITV News to help raise awareness and show people they are not alone and got even more amazing feedback. I made a video of me getting my pacemaker and the journey leading up to that in the hope that if I helped just one person going through it or helped one person learn what Gastroparesis is that hadn't heard of it I was winning and my health wasn't. I never expected the video to get over 12 thousand views!!! But in the mist of all of these amazing things that had come from a not so great situation.... I then started to lose that positivity energy.

Everyone goes between being positive and being negative...

We are human! However, sometimes with chronic illness these positive or negative feelings are enhanced a little and more often than not it is those negative feelings that are enhanced. It is extremely normal and very common for low moods, negative thinking and even depression to occur when living with a chronic illness. Your life gets tipped upside down when you get diagnosed and when you live with it and live with the constant fear of not knowing how you're going to wake up tomorrow and whether you're going to get through the day of have a major dip and end up back in hospital or in a bad way and are constantly in pain.... you are bound to sink into depression. We live in a world where the media like to show the "perfect figure" and the "perfect (and normal) lifestyle" etc... when in fact that's not the real world. No two people are the same and no two lives aren't the same but it doesn't mean that you're not perfect or right and that your lifestyle isn't going to be enjoyable and make you happy. So when you are going through all these major life changes to adapt to your health and suddenly you are unable to do some or most of the things the media shows, you are bound to start feeling crappy and like your life is over. 

It is hard not to when you see all these people that appear to be living the "perfect & normal life" - but what you don't see is what they're feeling or how they live away from the camera be it Youtubers or musicians or actors or whatever they do. You see what they want you to see or what the media want you to see. How many celebrities do you know that have chronic health conditions? Not many I bet and that's because not many celebrities share it with the world be it because they want to have privacy or because they're told not to for whatever reason. Then you get the people who judge you or make fun of your situation because they don't understand it or see it as different because it is not what they are dealing with and no what the media shows! No wonder I started feeling demotivated and like I wasn't going to be able to live a "normal" life. I lost all of my positivity and motivation to beat my health and still achieve amazing things. As my health got worse I felt like my life was over. That I couldn't achieve things and I was putting all my energy to all the wrong things and then it becomes a habit. 

I recently saw and read an interview with Selena Gomez. Now, she is someone that has had a lot of negative things said about her and has gone through a really rough time but has stayed strong and come out the other side. The reason I have mentioned her is because she talked about a chronic illness that she is living with. She has days where she is exhausted and physically feels in pain but she pushes through and doesn't let it beat her. She has achieved so many amazing things even though she has been dealing with that. Tell me, why isn't that all over the news and the media to show the world that it doesn't matter what you are going through, if you put your mind to it and want it enough... you can achieve it - no matter what! If you want something enough .... no one and I mean no one can stop you. You might have to try getting to that goal in a few different ways but you'll get there! I know it is wayyyyyy easier said that done and I need to take my own advice (which I am not very good at) but everything happens for a reason at the right time even if we can't see it at that moment. People come and go but the people that are good for you and are true are the people that will stay and also the ones that will help you grow!

I've had a lot of pain recently in every aspect of my life - physically, emotionally and mentally. I've had people come and go, my health is back on a downwards spiral and out of my control and I have just become really unhappy with where my life is at and what I'm doing with and in my life. There is not one bit of my life that  ever imagined would be happening and all the things I did imagine or hope for aren't there... at least not at a quick glance. Sure, I have people who I know are there for me through thick and thin and I wouldn't change that for the world (that is the only thing that has kept me going) but my life just isn't what I expected. But I'm slowly realising that the things we don't ever imagining happening to us are the things that teach us the most and are the things that end up helping put us on the right track... even if it is to make a point!! Nothing in life is "normal". Everyone's life is a challenge and is different to the person next to them but it is what we make of it that makes it "perfect". If we let people or health or just life in general control us..... we lose ourselves and we lose the things we want in life and we don't achieve things to our best potential. 

I don't even know if any of this really makes sense but in my head it does and I just decided to type whatever comes out because it is when you start amending things and overthinking things that we end up compromising being 100% truthful to ourselves. If we accept the things we can't change and change the things we won't accept..... we can achieve the most amazing things and be the happiest person ever! We just have to make the best of what we can in the situations we can't change or control but take control and change the situations we can to make them the best possible!!

And that is what I plan to do.... make the best of the situation with my health but change the situations I can to make the best of them and make them how I want to and how I originally intended to set them out to be! Living with a chronic illness is hard to accept and I can't say I have accepted it entirely because I haven't and I have days that I just can't handle it and wish for a "normal" life but once I start changing the things I can, I am hoping I will become happier and in turn find it easier to accept my health!!! 

So, who's with me? Who is going to make the best of the situations we can't change or control and take control and change the ones we can!?!?

That's all for now. I have made a video that I also posted today that matches and talks about the things I have talked about on here but in a bit more detail and all that jazz so if you want to watch that (or other fun things that are on my channel) then click this link. www.youtube.com/thedramaqueensoph - and don't forget to thumbs up the video an subscribe to have loads more fun!! 

Stay Strong

<3

Gluten Free: Good Or Bad?

Heyyyy,

Hope y'all are having a good day.

Today I wanted to talk about something that has been playing on my mind recently. There are a lot of different reasons why people go on a gluten free diet. Some out of choice and others it's not. I'm sure most of you would have heard about the Gluten Free weight loss fad thing. Now, I have nothing against people choosing to go gluten free for whatever reason it may be but, what does really get on my nerves is when I get told I'm lucky I have to be gluten free because it will help me with weight loss and such..... There are a few reasons why it grinds on me. Firstly, I don't count myself lucky to have an allergy and have no choice but to give up foods I love or pay way more for gluten free products. The second reason is because since becoming gluten free, I have also become a lot more aware of what ingredients there are in each food and how much fat, sugar, fibre etc there is in the product. Now the question I ask to you is, is cutting out gluten from your diet actually good for you be it to be healthier or for weight loss/control?

A gluten free diet isn't actually necessarily healthier for you and can often even lead to weight gain. From what I have seen and read, many gluten free products are high in processed carbs, fat and sugar. This can cause weight gain because they're the wrong carbs and fat your body actually needs. This means that if you're not having to go gluten free for health reasons, you would probably be better off shopping for a variety of high finer carbs, lean proteins and you're good old fashion fruit and veg along with the healthy fats.

Don't get me wrong, there are some pros of eliminating gluten from your diet. So, I thought I would bullet point some of them out for us to take a closer look at.

Pros: 

• If you have a gluten intolerance, you may have damage or inflammation in the intestinal tract. Going gluten free can help reverse the damage or inflammation relieving any symptoms you have.
• Because you read the labels more to check for gluten free or not, you become more aware of food and what is in the product.
• It will generally lead to a healthier diet in the sense that you will have less processed foods as most of them include gluten.
• It means you introduce higher quality grains such as quinoa into your diet.

                      Cons:

• You reduce your good carbohydrates intake because it is assumed they all have gluten in.
• You can end up lacking finer from the traditional sources which can lead to digestive problems.
• You can possibly gain weight because GF products often contain higher levels of fat and sugar.
• You can gain weight because your intestinal tract will renew itself and recover from any changes. As a result, it will also start taking in nutrients in the way it is supposed to which is good but also can cause you to gain more weight than you would normally.
• You can become deficient in needed nutrients such as iron, fibre, vitamins and folate which will make you lose weight but, not because you're getting healthier more so because you're not getting what you need to sustain your body.

What we need to remember is that Gluten is not harmful to our health and nor does it make us gain weight. Since so many foods are now coming in gluten free versions, it is so easy for us to think that they must be a better alternative which is definitely wrong. Gluten free doesn't automatically mean low calorie or healthy. In fact Gluten is found in a lot of whole-grain foods that have loads of vitamins, minerals and fibre which are all vital to a healthy diet. Not only that, people who eat 3 servings of whole grains a day are apparently 30% less likely to develop type 2 diabetes.

At the end of the day, it is down to us as individuals to decide what we eat and don't eat within our diets (allergies aside) but before cutting things out of our diets we need to be 100% sure it is actually better for us. 

In conclusion, although there are many benefits to having a gluten free diet, unless you actually need to stick to one, it is actually doing our health and body any better. It is just a myth that it helps you lose weight in a healthier way because that isn't actually the case at all. There aren't any health benefits in reality (obviously if you're allergic there is :) ). You'd be better off having a balanced diet and including gluten as your body will receive everything it needs in moderation.

What are your views on Gluten Free diets? Do you think they are better for you or not?

That's all for now

Until next time

Stay Strong

<3

Weight vs Muscle Weight

Hey Y'all

How are you doing?

Today I wanted to talk about something that I have been wondering about and researching recently. With all that is going on with my health, I have to keep an eye on my weight to make sure it's stable and not going down too low. Somehow, recently it has been stable and the scales have been going up - higher than ever before. I couldn't fathom out how this could be possible being that my eating isn't all that great and is mainly chocolate for energy. Then it occurred to me that I do so much cheer and exercise at the moment that muscle is obviously developing. Muscle means extra weight. So, what the scales are telling me aren't all that accurate. They aren't really helping me keep track of what my actual body weight is muscles aside.

The realisation of this then got two things floating around my head. Firstly, it made me understand why my 'weight' has been going up or staying stable and therefore leads to doctors really not taking much notice of me as they think I am coping just fine. Even when I'm not. :(

Secondly, everyone who is wanting that perfect bikini body for the summer or even to just lose weight, ever wondered why the scales are going up no matter what diet you keep to? What about those exercises you have been doing too? They've been giving you some good old muscle. That's a good thing.... it just doesn't help with accurate scale reading. 

When we are watching our weight and figure for whatever reason be it health or to get that bikini body, we use a combination of the mirror and the scales. The mirror shows us what we want to see or don't want to see and the scales tell us a number, but in reality... they're anything but accurate when you really think about it.
So, me being me decided to google this shiz and find out more. This is what I found out in words that hopefully is easy to understand. 

The Problems with Weight Loss/Keeping Track of weight. 
If you are wanting to lose weight, it’s most likely because you carry too much fat. There are people who must lose weight, like athletes before a competition, but most want fat loss. For every lb of fat you lose, you may gain a lb in muscle. So when you weigh yourself on the scales, it is as if you haven't lost any weight when in actual fact you did lose some fatty weight but kept it on with the muscle weight. So we should stop weighing ourselves for these two reasons: 

• It's Unreliable: Your body-weight can fluctuate daily since it’s influenced by your stomach/bowel/bladder content, water loss/retention, muscle loss/gain, fat loss/gain, … You’ll have no idea what’s actually going on.
• It's Irrelevant: 2 people with similar height can weigh the same, but look completely different because one has lower body fat than the the other. Look at the picture for example. 

The last point shows why the BMI standard is flawed: it doesn’t take your body fat into account. Both the guys in the picture have the same BMI, but one is clearly healthier and his body fat is lower.

There are a few ways to track your weight more accurately be it for health reasons or weight loss reasons. 
You don’t need to track progress weekly, changes wouldn’t be drastic enough. Track it every 2 weeks or so. 
Stop Weighing Yourself Daily - The daily fluctuations will mess with your motivation. Weigh yourself once every 2 weeks, not more. 
Stop Looking in The Mirror - Self-image issues can skew perception. Shoot full body pictures and compare them with old ones. 
Track Body Fat - Get a fat caliper and track your body fat every 2 weeks.

Fat Caliper

Take Measurements - Measurements of your neck, chest, arms, waist & thighs. Your waist should go down and the rest should go up. 
Take Pictures -  Full body pictures from ankle to neck, front/back/side, every 2 weeks. Compare it with your previous pics. 
Strength Stats -  Log your workouts. Strength going up means muscle gains and strength training prevents muscle breakdown. Listen also to what people say. They’ll notice your body change more than you will as they don't see it every day. Your clothes will also start to feel differently too which is a really good way to see fat loss.

So, in conclusion, weighing ourselves doesn't actually tell us how healthy we are. So when doctors ignore me pretty much because my weight is stable.... they're not taking into account the muscle weight that I have gained or is what is keeping on the lbs.

What are your thoughts on this topic? I'd love to know.

But for now.... that is all until next time.

Stay Strong

<3

The Dumb Dietician

Hey All

Hope you're all well

So I thought I would share an experience I recently had.

As you will know I am trying to work off two very difficult diets. A gluten free one and a Gastroparesis friendly one. It leaves me clueless on what I am able to eat that is actually good for me. So, my mum and I went to see a dietician. 

Well... lets start at the very beginning of the appointment. It first start by her calling my name as per any normal appointment would. She then lead us into a cupboard in which, she didn't see as any problem or it being weird. Asking us 'are you coming in then?', I looked at my mum unsure of whether to laugh or be worried and replied, 'I think this is the wrong room'. Eventually she realised and we actually went into a proper room for what was clearing going to be an interesting hour of my life. 

I was hoping that was the end of her being well....  an idiot she then went on to spend 10 minutes trying to get the door shut! Yes you read that correctly... 10 whole minutes to try and close a door in which should take seconds. By this point I had totally given up any hope of this being a helpful session. I mean ..come on, how hard is it to close a door? Seriously!!!

So, once the appointment could actually start, she or shall we call her Dr Dumb for now, started asking a little about my problem. After giving her all the long story with all the details, Dr Dumb asks me does the gluten free help the pain in which I replied 'yes, I notice more pain if I eat gluten products'. However, because I am still in pain without gluten, Dr. Dumb tells us that she doesn't agree with my Specialist about me going gluten free. It limits my diet and I should be having more variety in my diet. She tells me that in 'in your case' (her fave saying), there is no evidence in needing a gluten free diet (aside from the fact I notice a huge difference in pain when I do have gluten) and that I shouldn't keep to one because my specialist is wrong telling me to have one. Well.... both me and my mum were trying extremely hard to not show a shocked face whilst trying to conceal our laughs. It is safe to say, we were left pretty speechless by the fact that Dr Dumb told us outright that she thinks my specialist is wrong about me keeping the diet. 

Thinking & hoping that this appointment surely could not get any worse, Dr Dumb then asks me what I think I should be eating. Uhm.... if I knew what I was able to eat that would give me goodness, would I be sitting there wasting an hour of my life with her? I may have politely told her that I don't know which is why I have come to her for help. All she kept saying was I need more variety in my diet and I need to eat more of all the things I know are not good for Gastroparesis. All the things I have been told to avoid and notice a difference if I eat them.. she told me to eat. To which she would just say that in my case there is no evidence to these being a problem for me and the condition. 

When I eat a proper meal, I am in pain for hours after and can't continue any normal activities without extreme pain. So I wanted to find some small healthy snack type things that I would be able to have. Things like a boiled egg or the little fruit pots you can get. Both of which my mum suggested to her when she continued to just give proper meals as ideas. Dr Dumb said yes they are good things but doesn't give us any other ideas when we ask for other ones. She literally sat there trying to get something out of her mouth and just didn't know what to say or suggest. I was getting so frustrated and upset by it all and started to get teary. I then outright asked her 'do you even know what Gastroparesis is and about tummy's' She replied yes but in a very unsure manner. Totally not believable. 

After about 30-40 minutes had past, my mum said to Dr Dumb that this was a waste of our time as she doesn't know to which Dr Dumb replied, ' I can make you an appointment with the new dietician when she starts if you would like as I am not permanent here?' We said, ' We think that would be a good idea'.

Honestly, my dog could of given us better answers than that idiot could. I really don't understand how some people pass their exams and get to where they are sometimes. I'm not being rude and I get that no one knows everything, but come on.... seriously.... She made me feel so crappy and hopeless when she should have been filling me with a bit of hope and helping me fill my stomach with good things to keep me off of feeding tubes again. I can't even get across to you just how stupid and ridiculous this appointment and she was as I am not a great writer like I have said before. But... I hope this gave you some sort of laugh be it a omg what an idiot laugh!!

DR WESTIE AT YOUR SERVICE

How are you supposed to keep up a positive attitude when you constantly get Drs like that. I had Dr Hopeless who was the first pain specialist I saw, Dr Dumb who we just spoke about and well.... sooo many others it is hard to recall. ARGHHHH I am just getting so frustrated it is unreal. This is just the cut down version of the stupid waste of my life appointment!! 

I think that will be all for today,

I hope you are having a good day and that I haven't wasted any of your time...

Until next time

Stay Strong

<3

Mirror Mirror On The Wall ♫

Hey All My Lovely Readers,

 

I must once again apologise for the lack of posting. I know I say I'm going to post more and I really do mean it, it is just that it takes concentration of which I do not have right now. I just can't seem to focus on anything from a period of time and that is once I have actually found an inch of energy.
Sleep is not exactly my friend right now. I forgot what it is like to have a decent night sleep and in turn it effects me day to day with lack of energy and concentration. Not only that it totally messes with my mood and mind set like I have mentioned before. Sometimes and by sometimes I mean most the time, all I want to do is lie on the bed with the dog all snuggled up either doing nothing or listening to music or good old youtube. Just not in the mood to interect with people..... it takes so much energy. Even this paragraph, I keep stopping and starting which is taking forever HAHA!!

Since last time, the bloods came back clear and my pain levels continue to increase. I honestly think bloods are useless these days. Then again, I didn't really have much gluten in me to give it a fair chance. I'm still keeping a gluten free diet (most the time besides when I'm naughty but then suffer the consequences (donuts). Oh my gosh I have to tell you this, it's so funny. So, I have been craving a sugary jam donut A LOT lately. So much so that when I was cuddling the dog, I could smell donuts.... FRESHLY BAKED DONUTS. I felt like the dog smelt like donuts.. like what??? My mum thought I was insane and kept telling me he actually smells like he needs a shower HAHA... Oh lord. What is my life coming to!! I'm going to need to get to the gym with all these cravings LOL :)

Do You Agree?

 As per usual, my mind is all over the shop. I keep getting more possible conditions that are pretty much an obbious but just need to be confirmed now. I think I'm up to maybe 4/5 different conditions now and guess what they all have in common...... there's no cure just ways to attempt to control them and keep me as comfortable as can be. So I have my Gastroparesis as we know and I believe I have mentioned EDS to you before as well. EDS has many other illnesses that can occur due to that so basically it is screwing me over. There are also talks or POTS as well as TMJ which is to do with my clicky and sore jaw. And then there's the gluten whatever it is at the moment. POTS is to do with things like your blood pressure going up and down if you're sat down for a while or if you then stand up. It can cause hot flushes like I get as well. Once I know more about it I am going to write a whole post on it. :)

I feel like I am doomed as every time we figure out one condition, we find another one that I might have. I'm falling apart . Why can't life be easy??? I am trying so hard to remain strong and positive, but it is just soooo hard to do.
I look at my reflection in the mirror, and I see a 'normal' person... nothing looks different but if only my insides could be seen by everyone.. people might then start to have a clue how I feel day to day. It's weird because, my weight 

Don't worry about what others look like, look at what
you look like and be comfortable with yourself!

has always been so up and down because the Gastroparesis that I'm always aware of what my body looks like and I have become so used to being so small and skinny. It sounds silly but everytime I start (and have) put on a bit weight, I suddenly feel so big like I have a big stomach. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm fat, but with all the changes my body is constantly doing, it really makes me aware and kind of uncomfortable with how I feel and how my clothes fit which was never even in my mind before all of this. At the end of the day, when I look in the mirror at myself, I shouldn't be thinking about what others would say or think, I'm in affect talking to myself about myself. I don't need to impress anyone else and only need to be comfortable and happy with in myself. I still feel like when I eat, I am eating so much especially as I try and pick at things and do it small amounts but more often. I feel like all I am doing is eating and that I am such a pig and eating so much, when, it reality, I am still eating no where near enough and not the right things my body needs. I am seeing a dietcian in a couple weeks, so hopefully she can help me find the right things that I am able to eat that fits into both my difficult diets.

On a plus, I have a new job. I have quit my job after 5 and a half years of being in the same Hotel. I now get to work in the Studios helping with Big Brother. Although it is only a 3 month contract, theres's so much potential to make contacts or find something through it. Or, even just for a fresh start. I think that is what my mind needs right now. Something new to focus on around different people and a different environment. I really think it will help my mind set by gaining experience in something I really enjoy and even studied at one point in my life. My new job starts on April 20th which is sooooo soon. I'm very excited to start a new chapter in my life and maybe my health will play along and be nice to me and give me a break. HAHAHAHA who am I kidding?!?!


Well, that is all for now.... I wont bore you any longer
Have a good day and don't forget to
a) check out my YOUTUBE
and b) keep leaving me any comments with ideas of things you would like to know more about that I can make a post about.

Untill the next time

Stay Strong
<3

It's The Climb ♫

Hey Hey,

I have come to the realisation that, no matter what medication, or diet or thing I try to help my pain and Gastroparesis symptoms, is just not going to work long term. Everything I try works for a period of time before the Gastroparesis is like, BAMMMMM 'don't forget I'm still here'. The whole Gluten free thing has been working pretty well BUT, recently my tummy has been starting to get worse again. Safe options are becoming painful as well as the nausea. I've been on this long uphill battle for what? 4 years now is it? Everytime I get over one mountain there seems to be another whether it be a physical or emotional one. It's like one huge mental and physical gym work out that is a never ending climbing wall or treadmill with steep bits. I would say that's a pretty good evaluation of how my journey has been.  

 As I write this, I'm currently sitting here in pain. I have my gluten allergy test this Friday and to see if the anti bodies are there or an allergy is present basically I need to try and put gluten in my body. So for today (well the day I wrote this) and tomorrow, I've got to try include gluten in my body. Only problem is, my pain has been getting worse again without it, so trying to have some again isn't working out so well as I'd expect. I'm really trying because if there is any form of allergy I want it to show up. No point having a negative result if it's because I didn't have any in my system. It would totally defeat the point in doing it. So, as per usual, I have to suck it up and deal with the pain.

I can't remember if I mentioned it last time, but my anxiety is quite high again which sucks. I don't know why it's high though which makes it worse as I don't know what is setting it off. I'm just constantly feeling on edge and want to cry and just .. I don't like it. Music is keeping me going at the moment. My headphones are attached to me haha :).

My sleeping is absolutely horrible. I wake up every hour either feeling really panicy or feel like I'm over heating and stuck inside an oven. I'm so tired all the time because I'm not sleeping which is making me very snappy with people and short tempered. My patience is non exsistant at the moment. It's also starting to play with my mood again as well. I'm feeling kinda down in the dumps again.

I felt like I was starting to pick myself up again. I have been seeing my improvments in cheerleading with flexibility and ability to do things I was able to. I'm still holding down a full time job and managing to see people occasionally rather than never. Now that the pain and anxiety are coming back, I just feel like I'm in a hampster balls almost that just never ends and has no way out. I am feeling like what is the point of constantly trying and trying new things to end up going back down again and each time it gets worse and worse. I'm trying so hard to keep my head held high and push through everything if not for me, but for my family (and lil doggie of course). I want to make them proud. I want to show my younger siblings that they shouldn't let anything stop them from achieving what they want in life and that if they put their mind to something they can beat the obstacle. I'm trying so hard but when my mood dips, it's really hard to push through. ARGHHHH it just makes me want to scream!!!!(and cry)!!!!

I really wanted to make a big effort in posting more on both my blog and youtube channel, but with my mood, pain and tiredness (falling asleep for 2 hours when getting home from work and still in work clothes), it just makes it so hard to find the concentration to sit a write or sit and film then edit. Hard to focus and hard to get in the mood sometimes which then throws off my want for blogging more. Sometimes I consider doing more daily vlogs on my Youtube channel so that I can upload more but also it would really show people what it's like living with a condition. The struggles I face everyday with it and the things I want to do but can't always do such as make a new video or write a new blog post. Although daily vlogging is hard work and might not be everyday, it would really get across what I am trying to get across to people. Then again, doing that is hard work to edit and also film. Sometimes when you're not well or anxious, sticking a camera in front of your face and talking is not the one.

Anyway, I'm going to head off here and try put my head down. It's unlikely that I'm going sleep properly but hey ho... I can but try. Wait, is that the expression? Oh well, it is now for me :)

What do you do when you are anxious to try and keep calm?

Stay Strong

<3

What Is Life...?

Howdy Y'all

Today I thought I'd talk about something that has been on my mind. I use this blog as a release as I am not good at talking so that is what I am going to do. I apologise for the length and depth that may occur during this post so you may was grab yourself a cuppa or a cosy blanket and get comfy.

With everything that has been going on in my life, it isn't unsual that it is going to mess with my mind. It causes isolation in every aspect of life be it with family, friends, work or any other relationship and situations that occur on a day to day basis of life. I have discussed before about how I have felt isolated during family gatherings in the past or with friends and evenings out because of food and such. Even things like feeling guilty for friends who people who you are in a relationship with because, I feel like my health affects them and stops them having a normal life so to speak. When you feel down in the dumps, you isolate yourself and don't want to speak or hear anyone or anything else. It's horrible and can damage relationships and all sorts.
 

I feel like I have got to the point in life where I am just like ... what on earth am I doing with my life? My health has been the only thing on my mind for so long that I feel a little lost in life. I literally just feel like I have no aim or goal to work towards anymore. I have no qualifications past GCSE and a BTEC diploma and feel like I'm just not getting anywhere in life anymore. I know I have achieved many things in my life with everything that has happened but I'm the kind of person that wants to feel like I've done something good or helped someone or made a difference in a day. Does any of that make sense? In my head it does but I seems harder to explain when I want to try write it down and let it all out!

Even the word 'Impossible' says I'm possible

Do we live to work or work to live?
At the moment, all I seem to do is go to work to pay my bills and get to do what I want to do such a cheer. But is that how it should be?

Now that I am managing bigger gaps in between doctors, it just makes me have time to over think and wonder about people and just general things in and about my life. Like, what have I achieved since leaving school? Am I doing or using any of the skills of things I learnt at school or college? I suddenly have this feeling of emptiness and almost like I am just wasting my life and just doing things to pass the time.
 
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things in my life that I am happy with, but some..... not so much. I think it's time to change... to restart my life almost and do more things I want to do. We only live once. What's the point of saying 'I wish..' or 'I want to..', why not just do it. They say anything is possible right? I feel like I should write a list of things I want to do and achieve and just work my way through them to make me feel like I am actually living my life. It really irritates me when people say I am going to do this and then don't so why should it be any different for me. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.... that seems to be everyones favourite word that is never ending.


Right.... I am going to go and calm down and relax, or at least try to.
Then, I'm going to write myself a 'To achieve' list and just start working my way through it.

I want to know what things there are on your list of things to achieve? I'd love to hear from you!!

Well, until next time

Stay Strong
<3