Hey Hey,
I felt like I was starting to pick myself up again. I have been seeing my improvments in cheerleading with flexibility and ability to do things I was able to. I'm still holding down a full time job and managing to see people occasionally rather than never. Now that the pain and anxiety are coming back, I just feel like I'm in a hampster balls almost that just never ends and has no way out. I am feeling like what is the point of constantly trying and trying new things to end up going back down again and each time it gets worse and worse. I'm trying so hard to keep my head held high and push through everything if not for me, but for my family (and lil doggie of course). I want to make them proud. I want to show my younger siblings that they shouldn't let anything stop them from achieving what they want in life and that if they put their mind to something they can beat the obstacle. I'm trying so hard but when my mood dips, it's really hard to push through. ARGHHHH it just makes me want to scream!!!!(and cry)!!!!
I have come to the realisation that, no matter what medication, or diet or thing I try to help my pain and Gastroparesis symptoms, is just not going to work long term. Everything I try works for a period of time before the Gastroparesis is like, BAMMMMM 'don't forget I'm still here'. The whole Gluten free thing has been working pretty well BUT, recently my tummy has been starting to get worse again. Safe options are becoming painful as well as the nausea. I've been on this long uphill battle for what? 4 years now is it? Everytime I get over one mountain there seems to be another whether it be a physical or emotional one. It's like one huge mental and physical gym work out that is a never ending climbing wall or treadmill with steep bits. I would say that's a pretty good evaluation of how my journey has been.
As I write this, I'm currently sitting here in pain. I have my gluten allergy test this Friday and to see if the anti bodies are there or an allergy is present basically I need to try and put gluten in my body. So for today (well the day I wrote this) and tomorrow, I've got to try include gluten in my body. Only problem is, my pain has been getting worse again without it, so trying to have some again isn't working out so well as I'd expect. I'm really trying because if there is any form of allergy I want it to show up. No point having a negative result if it's because I didn't have any in my system. It would totally defeat the point in doing it. So, as per usual, I have to suck it up and deal with the pain.
I can't remember if I mentioned it last time, but my anxiety is quite high again which sucks. I don't know why it's high though which makes it worse as I don't know what is setting it off. I'm just constantly feeling on edge and want to cry and just .. I don't like it. Music is keeping me going at the moment. My headphones are attached to me haha :).
My sleeping is absolutely horrible. I wake up every hour either feeling really panicy or feel like I'm over heating and stuck inside an oven. I'm so tired all the time because I'm not sleeping which is making me very snappy with people and short tempered. My patience is non exsistant at the moment. It's also starting to play with my mood again as well. I'm feeling kinda down in the dumps again.
I felt like I was starting to pick myself up again. I have been seeing my improvments in cheerleading with flexibility and ability to do things I was able to. I'm still holding down a full time job and managing to see people occasionally rather than never. Now that the pain and anxiety are coming back, I just feel like I'm in a hampster balls almost that just never ends and has no way out. I am feeling like what is the point of constantly trying and trying new things to end up going back down again and each time it gets worse and worse. I'm trying so hard to keep my head held high and push through everything if not for me, but for my family (and lil doggie of course). I want to make them proud. I want to show my younger siblings that they shouldn't let anything stop them from achieving what they want in life and that if they put their mind to something they can beat the obstacle. I'm trying so hard but when my mood dips, it's really hard to push through. ARGHHHH it just makes me want to scream!!!!(and cry)!!!!
I really wanted to make a big effort in posting more on both my blog and youtube channel, but with my mood, pain and tiredness (falling asleep for 2 hours when getting home from work and still in work clothes), it just makes it so hard to find the concentration to sit a write or sit and film then edit. Hard to focus and hard to get in the mood sometimes which then throws off my want for blogging more. Sometimes I consider doing more daily vlogs on my Youtube channel so that I can upload more but also it would really show people what it's like living with a condition. The struggles I face everyday with it and the things I want to do but can't always do such as make a new video or write a new blog post. Although daily vlogging is hard work and might not be everyday, it would really get across what I am trying to get across to people. Then again, doing that is hard work to edit and also film. Sometimes when you're not well or anxious, sticking a camera in front of your face and talking is not the one.
Anyway, I'm going to head off here and try put my head down. It's unlikely that I'm going sleep properly but hey ho... I can but try. Wait, is that the expression? Oh well, it is now for me :)
What do you do when you are anxious to try and keep calm?
Stay Strong
<3
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