That's What Makes You Happy

Happy Sunday Everyone,

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the long bank holiday (if you're in the UK)!
Sorry in advance that this is a little long but it is worth the read... I promise.

Over the years I've had periods of time where I have been extremely low and periods of time where I have been happy with life. I've had different definitions of what I feel makes me feel happy and sometimes have even felt low because I thought I could never be happy because of my extremely poor health. I've been so low that doctors, friends, family and work colleagues have notice and mentioned about it and the 'd' word ('depression') has been used on more than one occasion.

Before my poor health properly kicked in (and after tough years in school from bullies) I was enjoying life... I had great friends, great family, was enjoying college (never saw home I was out so much), loving living my dream of acting and then had the most amazing, life changing experience when I did Camp America. Sure, life wasn't perfect and I wasn't living my ultimate dream of living in America acting in movies and tv shows but I was enjoying life, had great people around me and experiencing a ton of things. My life then got turned upside down and it felt like I lost everything. I thought I'd lost all my friends and lost all hope of being in the entertainment industry and that my life was over. I felt like I would never eat again and was praying my life would just end (sorry if that's a lot to read). Nothing I was doing every went the way I wanted it to go and I just couldn't see myself every getting through it. I didn't want help from anyone and didn't want to go out or see anyone. I was finding ways to get through it and release all this negative energy in ways that just weren't healthy which I have never really gone into with anyone. I completely lost my way!

Over the past 6/7 months, my health took an even bigger turn for the worse and even more symptoms and conditions came to light. Once again, my negative mind set hit even further down that rock bottom. However, more recently, even though my health is still shitty (mind my french - sorry mum) I'm seeing things in a very different way. I'm managing to turn my negative thoughts into more positive ones, wanting to talk to people a little more and am beginning to find my way again. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I want to curl up and not see or hear anyone - it is an on going thing. Nothing worth it is easy in life or happens over night.
I always had this vision that I would only ever truly be happy if everything was perfect and my health and body was in perfect shape. I became self conscious and felt down about things I've never felt like that about before. We see this image in Hollywood or even people around us who are all smiles and seem so happy with their (what we think is) perfect lives and if ours don't match that ours can't be. I would only ever see the negative in everything and was rolling out of bed not wanting to face the world.

There are all type of videos on the interweb... some extremely uplifting and inspiring and some that are ... well.... interesting lets just say. I became really inspired by the journey of a few youtubers in particular along with certain 'celebrities'. People who know me will know my absolute idol and favourite singer/actress ever is Demi Lovato. Between her, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Marissa Lace and Claudia Sulewski, something triggered in my head. They taught me that happiness comes from within. If you don't love you how can you expect someone else to? If you don't help look after yourself why should anyone else put their energy in trying to help you? If you take control of you life... how can you expect it to magically happen the way you want it? No amount of money can buy true happiness that will last.....

All the people above (and others of course) have said that happiness starts from within and that positive vibes bring in positive things. Everything we go through teaches us a lesson in one way or another and happens at a time where we are tested. Looking after yourself and seeing things in a positive way can really truly make a difference. These are the main points that I have been trying to

incorporate into my life:

• Making time for me every day.
• Starting the day by reading a page of my Stay Strong book that gives me an objective for the day to think about.
• Doing something about one thing that bothers me and trying to find ways to achieve things I dream of doing and not letting anything make me believe it isn't possible.
• Including some form of exercise or body condition every morning before starting the day (even just 2 minutes)
• Be more aware about what I put into my body
• Cutting people out my life who don't make me happy or bring positivity in my life
• Appreciating who and what I do have in life
• Remembering that being kind/friendly to everyone be it a friend, family or stranger can really change the way their week is going or even their day. - even just a simple hello how are you.
• Setting myself a goal/s that I know a practical and can be achieved with hard work
• Remember that everyone is growing through their own insecurities and difficulties that you can never truly understand but a simple hey or how are you can help them through the day. Being nice goes a long way

Regardless of how happy a person you are, some days are just harder but I have honestly noticed a huge difference just by doing the above 10 things and so have others around me. Don't get me wrong, I still have negative thoughts at times and let things get on top of me but I feel so much happier and have started seeing a future again. My little morning routine sets me up for a much better day. If you make an effort to turn the negative into a positive it starts to become more natural to think positively or at least have start thinking about both. Everyone is differently obviously but here is a quick break down of what I have been doing that has really been helping me to be in a much better place;

I get up in the morning, take my medicine and read that days page of my Demi Lovato 'Stay Strong' book that has different inspiring and encourages for each day. Once I have done that and been to the loo and all that jazz, I do a minute or two of mixed types of planks. Now although it is only a couple of minutes, it makes me feel like I am doing something good for my body. I then try and pick out healthier small snacks for the day rather than just chocolate and crisps (they're still included though duh) that I can keep myself going for the day. Once I have done that I then get myself dressed and ready for the day. I've started trying to turn negative things or things I thought were horrible into positive things and ways that they are a positive thing. Although none of these are major things, together they all work together to have some positive structure to my own life. 

In doing this, I have started feeling a passion about things I had lost passion for or had given up on. It has shown me that everything can be changed when we put our mind to it. Happiness isn't about having the perfect figure, or perfect health and a ton of friends with a huge pay check each month. Happiness comes from what we make of life. If we don't make an effort to work towards what our heart desires and how we choose to make our life. If we have people around us who put us down all the time, how can you ever feel good about things? How you wake up and start your day is what sets up the rest of the day. We will never be able to make everyone else happy with what we do, but as long as we make ourselves happy.... who cares!

I've started looking into things that I want to achieve and experience in the future and begun to find me again. I've learnt who my true friends are and to be honest, I wouldn't even say I lost any friends in the process, I've just found out who were actually friends and who was there for good times and for them. The mind is a very powerful thing. What is the point of just existing? Why earn money just to live when you can earn it to experience things that will make you never want life to end and make you love it and smile. A smile is priceless!!

I'd love to hear the things you do and what things you would say are what really makes you happy.

Have a great day

Stay Strong

<3

Midodrine Medicine Trial

Hey Everyone,
How are you?

Today I thought I would talk about and kind of document my trial of the drug called Midodrine. I have been diagnosed with Orthostatic Intolerance which is slightly different to PoTs but have very similar symptoms. 

What is Midodrine?
Midodrine is a drug that can be used to treat people with disorders of the autonomic nervous system which include low blood pressure, fainting/lightheadedness and postural tachycardia syndrome. It works by binding onto receptors causing blood vessels to narrow, thereby increasing blood pressure and reducing symptoms ( hopefully :) ). 
Midodrine is not a licensed drug by the FDA for PoTs (or similar conditions) meaning not all GPs will prescribe it and it has to be done by a specialist under supervision. Knowing my GP surgery, they will kick up a stink and won't prescribe it for me so it will probably need to be prescribed through the specialist who recommended it in the first place. 
As far as I am aware, it is used as a last resort when nothing else works.

Midodrine is a short lived medicine but fast acting. So, I take it before I get out of bed and then every 4 hours after that (within the safe dosage quantity obviously) as it then finds its way out your system in that time whilst also doing its job.
I have been fainting far to much recently and feeling lightheaded when I sit up properly or stand up or walk any distance and when I eat. Now, there is nothing to say this medicine will help with any or all of this but the aim is to help control my blood pressure and heart rate better so it is steadier and hopefully in turn stops the headaches that turn into lightheadedness and fainting.

What are the side affects?

Common – tingling and itching, increased blood pressure when lying down, headache, nausea (feeling sick), heartburn, inflammation of the lining of the mouth, flushing, rash, chills, difficulty urinating.

Less common – sleep disturbances, restlessness, agitation, irritability, slowed heart rate, urge to urinate.

Rare – palpitations, rapid heartbeat, abnormal liver blood test.

Possible side effects – abdominal pain, being sick (vomiting), diarrhoea, anxiety, feelings of confusion. But these are pretty much the standard side affects for most medicines.

On the day, they took my blood pressure on arrival and then an hour after taking the first tablet. Because of my Gastroparesis and my stomach not digesting stuff very well, we have to crush the tablet and mix it in a little bit of water and do it that way in order to get the best out of the tablet and ensure it is digested properly (the medicine doesn't come in liquid form unfortunately). They start you on a very low dose of 2.5mg and you can build up dosages and the amount of times you take it in time as long as you don't take more than 30mg a day. So after a consultation with my specialist he and the specialist nurse explain the medicine in depth and more tests I need to go for to try see what is going on in my brain when I have all these bad turns after food but anyway, I then took the first tablet, went away for an hour under my parents supervision and then went back to have my blood pressure re-checked to ensure it hadn't spiked up too high or anything. For once my body behaved and my blood pressure was absolutely fine. Like I said, this is a fast acting medicine and that morning I had had a headache from walking around and I did notice it went away and then came back and kind of came and went for the first hour after or so of taking it. 
After we had the ok from the Dr to leave with my 3 month supply of medicine, my parents took my shopping to try cheer me up and get me out the house as I had been stuck inside in bed for about a week an a half prior. I even got to use daddy's credit card not that the shops were that great to be honest. Now, lets bare in mind, I hadn't been able to walk to the toilet a few days earlier so braving it and walking around the shops was a big deal. By the time we got to the shops about a further hour later (so 2 hours after taking the medicine) my headache and any lightheadedness had gone - coincidence or medicine? We walked around for about an hour and a half before I started feeling headachy and lightheaded again so my I took the next tablet as it had been 4 hours and within about 10/15minutes I was feeling a bit better (other than extremely tired as by this point it had been an extremely long day and was running off a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar). Now, I don't want to say for sure but I would hazard a guess that this was just a coincidence and maybe the medicine is doing something...... result!! 

Then if we move on to today which (when I am writing this) is the day after starting the trial I woke up and sat up. When you have Orthostatic Intolerance, your body doesn't like to sit or stand up straight and this is where my symptoms start in the morning. If you are having a day in bed then you shouldn't take the medicine for the same reason as why you shouldn't take it within 4 hours of going to bed - it increases the chances of your blood pressure going too high. Today is Saturday so it's kind of a lazy day but because I have moved around and stuff I took the first tablet in the morning and again within about 10/15 minutes my headache and lightheadedness had significantly improved. 
One thing I haven't been able to do which has upset me a lot is take my doggie for walks because I just feel too ill walking the distance. So, putting the medicine to the test, my parents and I took the dog for a walk - not a long one but a decent distance that he gets exercise. Normally, I wouldn't get very far before the not feeling good kicks in, today - I got through 75% of the walk before I started getting a headache and not feeling too good. That is a massive improvement and again, I don't want to get too excited too early on as it could also be because my body has had a week's rest from well.. life! However, I am super happy I got to take him and didn't end up feeling totally horrendous!! 
I have also had some Gluten Free Porridge and although I did end up feeling fairly lightheaded after.... I haven't fainted!! Coincidence or just a one off as I occasionally have one off's where I don't faint.... only time will tell. Now although I did feel quite lightheaded after eating a Gluten Free Pizza for dinner, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as usual and it took longer to kick in as well. I also did not faint - just didn't feel that great. Still a major improvement if this is the medicine doing something and if we got the right dosage who knows!
I did put the medicine in a spoonful of yoghurt this morning and then a spoonful of the porridge for the second one and it was much better than the water.... didn't taste as bad haha.

I am going to write another post in a few days or a week and see how things go with time. I also know that after a little bit of time they can increase the dosage and amounts of times I take it if needed, so there is room for increasing it and adapting how I take it a little more to what I personally feel I need which is good.

That's all for this post. I thought I'd document it on here so that firstly I can keep track of how things have been when the Drs ask but also, I know that before I started it I was looking online and asking people if they'd taken it and advice and questions about it and didn't find that much on it so thought it might help anyone who is considering trying it.

If you had tried it, I'd love to know your experience with it!! 

Until next time, 
Stay Strong
<3

The Importance Of A Patient Doctor Relationship

Hey Everyone, 

I hope you are all doing good? - I have had a rough old week with 2 hospital admissions via ambulance but that's a whole other story and is going to put into a post but today I felt the urge to write a post about the topic of a Patient-Doctor relationship. I am warning in advance, this is more of a rant than a full on post as I have had a few extremely bad experiences recently.

When you go to any doctor regardless of what it is for, you put your trust into that doctor to be able to help you and treat you correctly. If that trust gets broken for any reason you lose faith in you treatment you are receiving and it makes it a more difficult situation for you and the doctor. 

I recently had an NJ feeding tube put back in (and taken out - not cool) as my health has deteriorated and I faint and have fit like episodes after eating a meal or anything substantial, and until they control that it means I am unable to keep myself going nutritionally. I have had this procedure many times now and unfortunately and have got to know what does and doesn't work well for me personally with all my chronic health conditions. Now, don't get me wrong, doctors know a lot and often will know more than the patient as they've studied it and dealt with it more. However, when it comes to people with chronic illness', they will often know more about the condition and how it effects their body and how certain interventions affect those conditions and not all doctors accept this. 

When there is an understanding and trust between the patient and dr, both sides cooperate in a much calmer and positive way meaning a much higher level of care and treatment is received. Starting an appointment with "I don't really know why you are here" or "what do you want me to do" or " what is 'insert name of condition'" or "to be honest I know best so we are doing it my way or no way" does not make for a good start to an appointment or for a good appointment or relationship with that doctor at all for that matter. I have come across some amazing doctors and specialists over the past few years but have unfortunately also come across many rude and ignorant ones. I've even come across a specialist recently who has refused to see me for being too complex. I mean seriously?! Too complex for a specialist?! 


Now, I appreciate this is a rant and not all doctors are like this for example my pain specialist, I don't have a bad word to say about him and trust in everything he says whether it is something I want to hear or not but this particular doctor I came across when I had my tube fitted recently has just really reminded me how important it is to have that relationship with a doctor be it a GP or a specialist for long term issues - so what do I do.... I rant on here :) 

For a doctor to ask you what your condition is as they'd not heard of it and how it'll affect the procedure they're doing is an instant problem in my head. It instantly makes me lose a little trust and makes me feel less safe in the hands of this person who is about to stick a camera and tube through my body. However, I do also appreciate that no one person can know of every single condition BUT to then tell the patient they are wrong and they're doing it their way because they know best and they aren't happy changing up how they had planned on doing this incase there is an emergency that comes in whilst he is doing the procedure on me does nothing but raise my anxiety levels right up. Not only that, half way through the procedure they tell you that you are too distressed and he won't do I and I will have to come back and get someone else as they don't want to do it is NOT ok in anyway (especially yelling at you). When you get told you should feel sleepy (as requested may I add) and you tell them it hasn't worked and you don't feel sleepy at all and to get yelled at and basically be told you're really not important is going to make you have extremely mixed emotions and is not the ingredients to the procedure or appointments to be good or successful or as stress free as it can be. Basically being told it's their way or the highway as isn't cool. It really leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Sometimes doctors need to learn to accept to work with the patient and their knowledge in their own body as well as their own. A good bed side manner is important.... I get people have bad days but that is just a bit too far. I also know I am not the only person to experience things like this. Turns out the NJ was fitted and had a kink in it so had to be pulled out a couple of days later as I wasn't able to use it... after all that!! 


This is NOT a dig at the NHS like someone had a go at me for. I appreciate the NHS very much and without it I would not have received the care and treatments I have needed. Though, whether it is NHS or private healthcare, you should not be made to feel more anxious, belittled, angered, a burden etc... 
I was also taken into hospital by ambulance recently and the second time I went in because I kept fainting when I stood up or even took a sip of water, the gastroenterologist told us there was nothing wrong and to go home.... he then watched me drink a smoothie and faint and said oh yeah maybe that is an issue. I mean..... seriously, he didn't even check me over, or check anything at all before telling us I was fine and to go home. I am not going to have been taken in by ambulance if there was nothing wrong? I don't see that as a fun evening activity funnily enough - especially after being rushed in 2 days previously unconscious and even taken into resus. Clearly a doctor who just didn't have the care to do any work!! 


It just makes me so mad when bedside manner is forgotten or ignorance is in these doctors who are doctors to help make people better... surely you would care if you have chosen to study for all those years to help people feel better? 

Basically, to get the best out of the patient,treatment, doctor and well everything, it all stems from a good relationship with the doctor and having trust in them.

What are your thoughts/experiences on this matter? 

I'll stop rambling now - it probably doesn't even make sense but like I have said previously, I started this to get things off my chest so that is what I am doing.

That's all for now
Thanks for ready

Stay Strong
<3

Getting Back On The Right Path

Hey Everyone

How are you all? 

I know it has been a fair while since I last posted and there are a few reasons for that. Having said that, I'm happy to say I am back and plan for it to stay that way. 

To get back into it I wanted to talk about a couple of the reasons as to why I stopped blogging and where I am at today. I will do a separate post updating you with my health properly but once you start reading you will understand what I mean. BUTTTT you probably want to grab a cuppa or something because it could be a long one... SORRY NOT SORRY! 

I started my blog and my Youtube channel for that matter to help raise awareness of my health, to try and help others out there who are suffering with chronic health conditions or help those around us understand what it is like and to be able to continue entertaining people as I have always been into acting since I was really little. The feeling I got when I was receiving comments saying something I had written or put up on Youtube had helped them in whatever way it was or that my video cheered them up and made them laugh that day when it was a difficult one was amazing (especially if I was

also having a difficult day). If I am honest it helped me realise that anything was possible regardless of my health situation. Sure, things had to be adapted or achieved in a different way but it wasn't going to define me or make me unable to do what I wanted even if it was in a way that I had not thought it was going to be. Hell, I got to be in the DailyMail online and on ITV News to help raise awareness and show people they are not alone and got even more amazing feedback. I made a video of me getting my pacemaker and the journey leading up to that in the hope that if I helped just one person going through it or helped one person learn what Gastroparesis is that hadn't heard of it I was winning and my health wasn't. I never expected the video to get over 12 thousand views!!! But in the mist of all of these amazing things that had come from a not so great situation.... I then started to lose that positivity energy.

Everyone goes between being positive and being negative...

We are human! However, sometimes with chronic illness these positive or negative feelings are enhanced a little and more often than not it is those negative feelings that are enhanced. It is extremely normal and very common for low moods, negative thinking and even depression to occur when living with a chronic illness. Your life gets tipped upside down when you get diagnosed and when you live with it and live with the constant fear of not knowing how you're going to wake up tomorrow and whether you're going to get through the day of have a major dip and end up back in hospital or in a bad way and are constantly in pain.... you are bound to sink into depression. We live in a world where the media like to show the "perfect figure" and the "perfect (and normal) lifestyle" etc... when in fact that's not the real world. No two people are the same and no two lives aren't the same but it doesn't mean that you're not perfect or right and that your lifestyle isn't going to be enjoyable and make you happy. So when you are going through all these major life changes to adapt to your health and suddenly you are unable to do some or most of the things the media shows, you are bound to start feeling crappy and like your life is over. 

It is hard not to when you see all these people that appear to be living the "perfect & normal life" - but what you don't see is what they're feeling or how they live away from the camera be it Youtubers or musicians or actors or whatever they do. You see what they want you to see or what the media want you to see. How many celebrities do you know that have chronic health conditions? Not many I bet and that's because not many celebrities share it with the world be it because they want to have privacy or because they're told not to for whatever reason. Then you get the people who judge you or make fun of your situation because they don't understand it or see it as different because it is not what they are dealing with and no what the media shows! No wonder I started feeling demotivated and like I wasn't going to be able to live a "normal" life. I lost all of my positivity and motivation to beat my health and still achieve amazing things. As my health got worse I felt like my life was over. That I couldn't achieve things and I was putting all my energy to all the wrong things and then it becomes a habit. 

I recently saw and read an interview with Selena Gomez. Now, she is someone that has had a lot of negative things said about her and has gone through a really rough time but has stayed strong and come out the other side. The reason I have mentioned her is because she talked about a chronic illness that she is living with. She has days where she is exhausted and physically feels in pain but she pushes through and doesn't let it beat her. She has achieved so many amazing things even though she has been dealing with that. Tell me, why isn't that all over the news and the media to show the world that it doesn't matter what you are going through, if you put your mind to it and want it enough... you can achieve it - no matter what! If you want something enough .... no one and I mean no one can stop you. You might have to try getting to that goal in a few different ways but you'll get there! I know it is wayyyyyy easier said that done and I need to take my own advice (which I am not very good at) but everything happens for a reason at the right time even if we can't see it at that moment. People come and go but the people that are good for you and are true are the people that will stay and also the ones that will help you grow!

I've had a lot of pain recently in every aspect of my life - physically, emotionally and mentally. I've had people come and go, my health is back on a downwards spiral and out of my control and I have just become really unhappy with where my life is at and what I'm doing with and in my life. There is not one bit of my life that  ever imagined would be happening and all the things I did imagine or hope for aren't there... at least not at a quick glance. Sure, I have people who I know are there for me through thick and thin and I wouldn't change that for the world (that is the only thing that has kept me going) but my life just isn't what I expected. But I'm slowly realising that the things we don't ever imagining happening to us are the things that teach us the most and are the things that end up helping put us on the right track... even if it is to make a point!! Nothing in life is "normal". Everyone's life is a challenge and is different to the person next to them but it is what we make of it that makes it "perfect". If we let people or health or just life in general control us..... we lose ourselves and we lose the things we want in life and we don't achieve things to our best potential. 

I don't even know if any of this really makes sense but in my head it does and I just decided to type whatever comes out because it is when you start amending things and overthinking things that we end up compromising being 100% truthful to ourselves. If we accept the things we can't change and change the things we won't accept..... we can achieve the most amazing things and be the happiest person ever! We just have to make the best of what we can in the situations we can't change or control but take control and change the situations we can to make them the best possible!!

And that is what I plan to do.... make the best of the situation with my health but change the situations I can to make the best of them and make them how I want to and how I originally intended to set them out to be! Living with a chronic illness is hard to accept and I can't say I have accepted it entirely because I haven't and I have days that I just can't handle it and wish for a "normal" life but once I start changing the things I can, I am hoping I will become happier and in turn find it easier to accept my health!!! 

So, who's with me? Who is going to make the best of the situations we can't change or control and take control and change the ones we can!?!?

That's all for now. I have made a video that I also posted today that matches and talks about the things I have talked about on here but in a bit more detail and all that jazz so if you want to watch that (or other fun things that are on my channel) then click this link. www.youtube.com/thedramaqueensoph - and don't forget to thumbs up the video an subscribe to have loads more fun!! 

Stay Strong

<3