Taking A Moment To Be Thankful

Hey Everyone

I hope you are well and having a lovely day no matter where you are in the world.

So recently it was Thanksgiving over in America and it got me thinking, no matter where in the world you are we should all stop and think about what we have and what we are thankful for. I mean, really we should be doing it through the year but hey ho. 

Life moves soooo fast that we do forget to stop and think about what we do have instead of always moaning about what we don't have. We are all too fast about thinking about what we don't have and what we want that we just do even think about the fact that we should be thankful for the stuff we do have as many people out there don't even have that. I thought I would share a few of the things I am truly thankful for and I would love to hear about things you are thankful for too in the comments or on social media.

The number one thing I am truly truly thankful for is my family (and my dog, though he is my family but you know what I mean). I know we have our arguments and say some horrible things to one another on a regular occurrence, but, without them I wouldn't be where I am today (and I don't just mean because my parents had to ... you know to make me haha!). We have been through so much together as a family and they help me so much through the bad times and are there to enjoy the good times with me too. The support and love they give me is beyond anything I could ever have hoped for. We have had a fair few really really rough years which alone I could never have got through, I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but together.... together we are unstoppable and find a way to that light together. I know that not everyone has that. Not everyone has such a supportive family. They don't have parents that would stand by them no matter what and go to 1001 appointments at the hospital or put their kids first. Not everyone has a sister and/or brother who deep down really cares and helps in anyway they can especially when it is really needed. Without my siblings, parents and dog .... I would have given up a long long time ago. I never say it or even think about it really... but I should because I am super lucky to have that.

Another thing I am so thankful for are my close friends. I am not talking about the ones you hang out with just to have fun and when it suits them. I am talking about the ones that are there through thick and thin. No matter whether it is good or bad and no matter how many arguments or disagreements you have... they are still there and do anything they can do support you through the bad times and have a blast with you no matter what. I may not have a million friends but to be honest I wouldn't want that. I am more than happy with having just 1 or 2 amazing friends who are more like family. The ones that will start work early just so they can finish early and come spend 3,4,5 hours at the side of your hospital bed so you are not alone. The ones who make you laugh when you are in the worst mood and really don't want to laugh. The ones who you can talk to about anything and know they won't judge you. You know who you are if you are reading this, and I may not send soppy messages or tell you enough... or ever - but I am beyond thankful to have you in my life and couldn't imagine not having you in it so... you're stuck with me for like okay? Good! 

This may come as a surprise but there are the odd few amazing, genuine, caring doctors out there. I have my share far of bad experiences and bad doctors and like everyone else I am quick to complain and moan about it. That being said, I am exceedingly lucky to have a couple of the doctors that I have. I mean... my pain specialist for example. Without him I would have had a ton more A&E trips, drugs that screw up my insides. Like with any doctor they can throw some pills at you or tell you that you are crazy and get rid of you. I am so lucky that my main specialists I am currently under are the way they are. They know what they are doing and they genuinely care about me and what is in my best interest. Without them I know I would be a hell of a lot health wise and probably mentally also. I know that my life quality would be so much worse. I may have had to go on super long waiting lists to get to be under them but boy was it worth it. Shows there are some truly amazing doctors who love what they are doing and care still out there.

This may sound cliche but, I am thankful for having a roof over my head and food on the table. There are more and more people ending up on the streets without a warm place to stay and a comfy bed to sleep in. The cost of living is so much and I am lucky my parents haven't kicked me out. I mean many people my age have moved out with boyfriends or got married by now and I haven't. I am still at home.. single... earning minimum wage pretty much and I am sure I am not the easiest to live with. I can't imagine I would do all that well living on the streets or not having food there when I feel some what ok to try and eat. I am lucky that I get to come home from work or wherever I am coming from to a warm, cosy home with a roof and a bed. I am a lucky lil girl (well not so lucky when it comes to health but you know what I mean :) ).

Lastly, I am thankful for my journey in life and experiences I have had. Good or bad they are what have shaped me to be me and helped me see things in different ways and open my eyes to stuff. I have had my fair share of pretty sh*tty things in life, but in one way or another they have changed me for what I think is the better. Everyone experiences life in different ways and we all take different things from every situation. I may not enjoy them all.. okay well I haven't enjoyed them all for sure but I am still thankful for them because if nothing else they make me appreciate and enjoy the good ones that bit more. 

Okay... I will stop being so soppy now. I am just saying what is in my heart when I stop and think about the things I am thankful for. The things that help keep me going no matter what. We don't do that enough. At least I know I don't. I don't think about them and don't appreciate them enough that's for sure. I intend or appreciating everything more and think about what I am extremely thankful and lucky to have in my life - good or bad. I really encourage you to do the same. Makes me a little happier because it shows me what good I have in my life as the bad often over shadows the good and I don't see it so much.

That's all for today. If you are American or live in America, Happy belated Thanksgiving. Is that a thing people say? belated Thanksgiving? Oh Well... I just did! 
Have a lovely day and take a few minutes to stop and think about what you do have ... not what you don't have or want.

Love ya all

Stay Strong

<3

Bad Day? - We All Have Them!

Hey Everyone

I hope you are well and having a great week.

Recently I have been having a few ..... sh*tty days if I am honest. I have felt totally demotivated and felt like giving up, where my anxiety has completely taken over me and I didn't feel well on top of that. Now, I know we all get days like that but whenever I have them I then get into this mind set that I am not strong, a failure in life, a failure for feeling down and demotivated, like I don't deserve to have happiness etc... I think that is what makes it the hardest to pick myself back up. The thoughts that go through my head which are pretty much just putting myself down. It is okay to have bad days, weeks or even months (anyone else automatically go into the friends theme tune?). Even the people you see in the media who look like they have the perfect life and are super happy have crappy days where they are unhappy and feel like giving up. It is normal. And that is what I have been trying to tell myself.


The reason I am writing this post is partly as a way to get all my feelings out and make myself remember that it is okay and that having a bad day doesn't in any way make me a failure in life, but also for anyone out there having a bad day, week, month or even year (anyone else get the Friends theme song in their head again there?... okay I get it - I have an obsession). See, when I first lost my motivation on the weekend, I laid in bed all day watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls (which is awesome, you should watch it) and hid away from the world. Whilst that is not always a bad thing to have 'me time', it didn't help my mood and really I probably should have forced myself to do something I love. Whether it be shopping, playing with the dog, filming youtube videos or whatever else it may be. By forcing myself to do it, I start feeling happier because I am doing something I like that makes me smile and distracts my mind. Okay, I know it is not as simple as that to get myself out the funk but it is a step in the right direction and all those little steps are what helps pick you back up right?

Something I have done recently is sit down and try figure out what it is that is bringing my mood or motivation down. I know some things such as my crappy health are out of my control, but there are also things that are in my control. Whether it be who I hang out with and talk to or a job or whatever else it may be. We may not realise it but by surrounding ourselves with things like; the wrong people or staying in a job that we don't enjoy or really isn't right for you - they effect your mood massively and to some degree are in our control to try and change. I'm trying to make some changes in my life which are hopefully for the better... even if it is for the short term where I have more and more changes again and again until I'm happy. Nothing in life is perfect but then again what is perfect? Everything we experience and feel in life is what makes our journey and is what makes us us.

Sorry if you feel reading this was a waste of your time but just felt like getting it off my chest but also to remind others who are having a bad day that it is ok.... we are all entitled to regardless of what we do or don't have in our lives. There is always someone out there that loves you and that is all that matters :).... and hey - I will always be there for each and every one of you!!

I shall let you get on with your day... make it count
Thanks for taking the time to read and support me with all the lovely comments I have received lately. They mean the world to me

Stay Strong
<3

Never Be Afraid To Voice YOUR Opinion

Hey Hey 

How you doing? I hope you are having a great day and if it hasn't been great just remember to smile and push on through. 

Today I wanted to vent out something that's on my mind. I've come to realise that a lot of the time arguments happen for one of three reasons (besides that awkward one that just wants to be different). The first one is just simply lack of communication. Be it because it all stemmed from a rumour going round that wasn't actually discussed before yelling or someone is just too quick to start an argument with out talking or listening to the other person first. I feel like this one happens a lot and part of me thinks it is due to how we see the world around us. We are all guilty of judging someone or something too fast... don't even try deny it because it is true. We also are too quick to expect the worst in people which I think is partly to do with all the wars and negative things we see in the world be it something we see/ experience in person or something we see through social media. Social media can be a great great thing at times and can really help people but it can also cause brain washing to occur. We are almost taught to expect the worst from people (people we don't know in particular) and that then means that we've made our minds up what someone else is going to say or do before actually giving them a chance which then means an argument is started for absolutely no reason... but once you commit to an argument - I mean - you're committed right? Well technically no but for some people that is the case.

Another big reason for arguments is this thing people have in their head of 'I am right, how I view and think of things is more important than how you view/think of things'. I think it is safe to say I have experienced this one a fair few times particularly over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, I feel like this is another one that we are all guilty of at some point in our lives until we can accept that every single person in life is going to have a different opinion on absolutely everything because that is just life... our brains are all programmed differently and we have all experienced and seen different things that will cause us to have different views or feelings about certain situations. I've learnt recently that it is okay to have different views and almost agree to disagree and to accept that I have a different perspective on something. I am someone who doesn't like confrontation, it makes me so uncomfortable and I've always been someone who will take a while to snap but once I do .... I do haha! Recently I have really been trying to brush things off and remember that that person has or is experiencing something that caused them to react like that or have that view and that is
ok. It is okay to have your own views and opinions on things. The only thing is, sometimes people forget that and make an argument out of it because they think that their experiences and thoughts are more important or the 'correct' ones. No-ones feelings or views on anything in life are wrong or right..... they're opinions based on experiences and their on morals in life. People have this tendency to need people to agree that they've had a worse experience, or seen worse than you or that they're point of view on that particular topic is how everyone should see it. That's where the arguments start. I know as a chronic illness sufferer I have seen people at some extreme lows physically, mentally emotionally and I have experienced them through my life as well even before all my health. That being said, I never thing I have had it worse than someone else, I simply say and explain that I can understand to some degree. I don't think nope, I'm right in what I think and you have to agree because I've had it worse or what I think is right and that's that. Sometimes though, people do think like that and sometimes it is on a topic that pushes you that bit too far that you can't just brush off because if hurts your feelings when you get accused of stuff because that person doesn't realise that there is no right or wrong, worse or better in that situation it is just simply each person's point of view. It is okay to have different views in absolutely everything in life. I'll stop going on about this one as I realise I've talked about this point quite a lot - it was kind of the reason I decided to write this post if I am honest. 


And for the last reason why arguments happen..... some people are just so damn ignorant and stupid and look for fights because they think it is cool or will make people like them or well.... I don't even know why! They are just stuuuuuupid.

Don't judge a book by its cover or
assume the worst in people

I think the point I am trying to make is that, we all just need to blooming chill the *beep* out. We are all entitled to different opinions and feelings and we shouldn't instantly expect the worse in people whether we know them or not. It is okay to think differently and voice different opinions and experiences. No one person's experience is worse because at the end of the day, each person's best and worst experience is different so how can it mean their's is worse than your worst? Does that even make sense? I know what I am trying to say hahaha (go on girl - being excellent at typing your thoughts as usual)!!! It is the same idea as what one person views as a slutty outfit, another views it as that person being comfortable in their own skin and wearing what they want to and not caring what anyone else thinks because as long as they are comfortable then who is anyone else to tell them otherwise. Just because you have a certain opinion or experience doesn't mean you are any cooler or any better or more important. We are all equal and we are all entitled to opinions and we should never think otherwise. When we feel the urge to fight back at someone for something they have said or accused you of, take a deep breathe and try assess what is causing it to try stop it before it happens. If needs be walk away calmly and talk to the person once you have breathed and brush it off so that you aren't all emotional. We won't be liked by everyone and not everyone will agree with us.... but that's okay. If everyone agreed it would be boring right? ... right? If we just communicate properly and don't assume things..... things would be so much easier :)!! 

Okay.... I think I have vented it all out now! :) 
Let me know in the comments (or on any of my social media outlets) if you've experienced arguments for any of the above reasons or if you recognise these and use that to your advantage in trying to stop arguments. W
I don't know whether this post is helpful or pointless (depends on your opinion I suppose haha) but it was something on my chest and something I wanted to let out ... so.... I did :) 

That's all for today. I hope you have a fantastic day/night (or whatever point in your day/week you are currently in) and remember..... smile. If you smile long enough, your brain will agree with it and think the same.... least that's what I get told!! 

Until we meet again.... 
Stay Strong
<3

Mental Health vs Physical Health

Hey Everyone, 

I hope you are doing fantastic and if you are from the UK, I hope you have had a lovely Bon Fire Weekend - mine consisted of me and my dog alone at home with him barking ALL evening. He isn't a fan of fireworks! 

Today, let's open up a topic that just isn't talked about all that much and has a huge stigma around it all. Mental health. It is one of those topics people just try and avoid talking about. And I can understand why, I mean it can be a very person subject and we instantly become very shut off and uncomfortable. It means talking about things we didn't want to. It brings up instant emotions. Everyone at some point in their life will know someone who has mental health issues so even if it isn't them who are suffering with it when a conversation comes up, they'll most likely know someone who is.

Mental health problems can often be part of a chain and can stem from many different things and completely varies between people (as with most health conditions.... it is what keeps doctors on their toes :) ). It could be from 1 thing or a few things or could just be one of those things. One thing it is often closely related and linked to is Chronic/Physical Illnesses. Let's start simple and break this does. Now, close your eyes (well maybe don't because then you can't read this unless you are magical... then you are pretty awesome), imagine back to the last time  you were sick and stuck in bed unable to move or function... how did you feel? Pretty darn crappy right?! Now... imagine that feeling and illness you had lasting for the rest of your life - oh and add in all the hospital trips & stays, test, accusations and life changing as you knew it. You'd get pretty low, fed up and lonely. You'd end up getting all these insecurities that you've never had before with life changes that are completely out of your control. You'd get all these new feelings that would effect you is so many ways you didn't realise were possible. And suddenly, before your very eyes, not only are you battling a chronic physical illness, but you now are also battling a mental illness. And just like that, you find your link between mental & physical health. (and breathe.... my fingers and mind were working so fast then... it all just oozed out my mind like jam does out a donut.... oo now I want a donut darn it haha!). Mental and physical health is not something to be joked around about though. It has massive life impacts.


It can work the other way as well. For example, let's say you have a mental health issue that  causes you to do things such as; stop yourself eating, make yourself throw up, overdose, self harm and many other things. Al those things can take its toll on your insides even if you can't see it and it can end up causing permanent physical issues due to the damage done to your insides. They are so closely linked (just like peanut butter and jelly/jam - oo now I want a PB&J sandwich.. dear oh dear) because well...... everything in your body is connected and so what happens to one part of your body can and will have an impact on all your other parts. It is like one big game of dot to dot.

So, next time you question someone's feelings or reasons for doing something or reacting a certain way, remember that just because they have been diagnose with either a physical or mental health condition, doesn't mean that they are doing it on purpose and that they are faking it or looking for attention and sympathy or thinks it would be cool and glamorous. You never know what battles other people are fighting or will end up fighting because of something else they are fighting or even because of what you or someone else says to them. Not everything is visible or said out loud. Many people choose to hide illnesses the best they can for whatever reason they feel. Sometimes people don't tell you because they are scared what you will say. Many illnesses be if physical or mental just aren't talked about. They are often topics that people make a stigma around and decide it shouldn't be discussed or make people feel bad for having it. That shouldn't be the case. All illnesses should be equal and shared. We are in the 21st century now people.... come on. 

I have no idea if any of this makes sense or has a point, but as with all my blog posts (and videos - matching one for this post on my channel now), I just type what is on my mind and hope for the best :)!! But seriously, please remember that every action causes a reaction and every physical chronic illness can (and often does) cause a mental illness and every mental illness can (and often will) cause a physical chronic illness. It is like one big science experiment! 

Well, that is all for this post. I would really love if everyone can start up a conversation about this and help support those who need it. Spread the love.

Stay Strong
<3

Are They A True Friend?

Hey Everyone, 

I hope you are all doing fantastically well today. 

Recently someone close to me told me how they were feeling lonely, down and left out with their friends. They told me how they had taken to Tinder to try find a boy so that they didn't feel alone anymore and that they might be able to hang out with their friends again with that boy. Now whilst I don't have anything against Tinder.... I don't believe in having to change yourself or have a boyfriend/girlfriend or do stuff to please others so that you feel more included and get invites to hang out etc..

Over the years we all change as a person... and that is a really good process - and normal. So, with that in mind there is no surprise that we change our friends and the people we want to surround ourselves with because we get on better with them and have the same morals and values etc. It is okay to change friends... just because you met them in school or when you were an itsy bitsy kid doesn't mean you are stuck with them for life. It only takes one person to make you feel less alone in this massive world be it a partner or friend. No matter what is going on in their life, if they care about you and want you in their life they will make time for you. Having a boyfriend or a busy job is no excuse because we as people have a choice to do what we want and see who we want. 

There is a quote that I always see floating around that says 'Anyone can love you when the sun is shining. In the storm is where you find out who truly cares', and it is so true. Friendships/relationships aren't about being there for all the good times in one another's lives, it is about being there when it is not so convenient to be there because things are harder and not so great. We don't lose friends in life... we simply find out who our true friends are. We shouldn't have to change ourselves or hide the hard things in our lives from

them or do things we don't want to do just to feel included or wanted or less alone. We should be able to be ourselves ... because being yourself is the most beautiful thing. If we were all the exact same life would be so boring and we probably wouldn't be all that happy. We are all different and therefore get on better with different people. Being different is awesome and we have to accept that. At school I would think that I needed to be like the 'popular, pretty girl' because I thought that would get me more friends and make me happy. Did it? NOPE..... for the short time I was friendly with that girl, I couldn't be myself because our personalities were so different and the 'friends' that came with that didn't make me feel any less alone... in fact I probably felt more alone because I just didn't fit in with that. We don't need 100 friends or the same friends as we've had for years ... we only need 1 person to feel less alone, accepted and happy. 

In school we have no choice but to be around certain people all day everyday which is why we don't talk to even half the people we used to once we leave. Once we leave school (or anywhere.. work... activities.. anything), we get to choose who we hang out with and we get to see who we genuinely get on well with and more importantly, who GENUINELY wants us in their lives and is there for us no matter what life throws at us. Just because they now have a boyfriend, does that mean they now don't ever want to hang with you because they're with them? Just because they got some new job, does that mean they don't want to know you? No! Change is scary but so rewarding.

So, if you feel alone, go make new BETTER...REAL friends. Be yourself and you'll make friends who love you for you and will bet there no matter what. Real friends can make good days better and bad days less hard and still make you laugh even when you just don't want to. A friend tells you what they think you want to hear, a true friend tells you how it is and then helps make it better. Life is a rollercoaster and no matter how amazing our lives are, we will still experience hard times and we are able to choose who we surround ourselves with to make us happy and help us get through the hard times... they shouldn't be the ones putting us through the hard times though. Don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect and all has the tough times... but the ones that pull through it and are stronger for it will go so much further. Remember to always communicate with people about how you feel.

Remember, you do you because that is the most beautiful thing ever and by being you, you will find people to surround yourself with that make you feel less alone in this huge world and who will help us through the hard times. Never change yourself or pretend to be someone else to feel accepted. I know it is hard especially with the media these days... but honestly, you will be sooooo much happier.

Have you ever experienced this or know someone who did? Let's support one another and spread some love. Check out my social media and let's all chat and help each other to feel happy and less alone. Lets encourage people to be themselves and no-one else! I also made a video on this so go head over to my Youtube channel if you fancy watching that... or anything else! www.youtube.com/thedramaqueensoph

Have a lovely day and I shall speak to you all soon :) 
Stay Strong
<3

Staying Motivated & Inspired By....

Hey Everyone

I hope you are all doing well?

Over the years I have had my fair share of highs & lows.... I mean who hasn't right? The thing with life is something that happens or something you do today can and probably will effect you tomorrow and even many years later. I am slowly learning that we can choose to either let them get us down and we can make excuses to not do something OR we can use them to motivate us to do better, work harder and spread love and positivity. Don't get me wrong, I am not miss positive all of the time (or most the time for that reason) and I go through many patches where I 'm quite the opposite. Ask my family.... I am sure they'd happily vouch for that. BUT I have noticed that when I do certain things like watch youtube videos of whatever takes my fancy that day, it effects me in ho I am thinking. It is kind of the same thing as surrounding yourself by positive people and you will have a positive mind. The way they spread love, support & positivity just makes you feel so much more confident and not alone. Their work ethic and just life values really inspires me. 


I'm not writing this to sound like a weirdo stalker or obsessed person but to share with you things/people that really genuinely help me get through life in their own way and helps me stay motivated and inspired which, in a world that has a lot of negativity these days is something special. I swear... I'm normal... okay well not normal but not a weirdo either hehe :) 

The 4 people that really inspire me are Demi Lovato, Lilly Singh (iisuperwomanii), Zoe Sugg (Zoella) and my very special mum. Whether it be their music, videos, cuddles, positivity, girl love or support, that is what keeps me going and fighting obstacles thrown at me. I may not know 3 of them in real life (though I should be so lucky to even meet any of them let alone be able to call them a friend) but the way they are using their voice for good is what makes them relatable.

I recently watched Lilly's 'A Trip To Unicorn Island' movie, and honestly.... I felt so overwhelmed with motivation to work harder for what I want and positivity and love.I felt so blooming inspired after ... like just wow. The way she does stuff to help others expecting absolutely nothing back in return but working towards her goal just as hard.
Demi Lovato has overcome so much and has then used that to help so many others instead of giving up. Without her music be it the sad songs or the upbeat songs that make you feel confident and motivated... I wouldn't have got through many of my rough days and nights. Let's be honest we all have those times we just want to curl up in a ball on our bed, headphones on away from the world :)! It is like a way to let everything out in a healthy way by just listening (or shower singing) to the lyrics of the song and being able to fit it in to whatever it is going on in your life. I read one of her quotes and goals every morning before I start my day from her Staying Strong book which helps me start my day off well!
When my anxiety is high, Zoe's videos help me and remind me I'm not alone or crazy and can't still live my life achieving anything my heart desires. It shall not

defeat me!! There will be bad days but there will be even more good days.

And my mum (my dad too but I mean a mother daughter relationship is something special) - without her love and support I would most certainly have no motivation to fight or even go to doctors appointments. Sometimes a mummy cuddle is just the medicine needed. If and when I one day have kid(s).... I can only dream of being half the mum she is. The way she puts everyone else before her, the kindness... the list is endless honestly. I can't imagine not having her around to support me and love. Money and objects are just that.... objects. They aren't what truly makes you happy.... having even just one person there who you know has you back and best interests at heart no matter what is what warms your heart!! 
I also have one friend in particular (shh.... secret 5th person) that is there for me through thick and thin and always makes me feel good about myself. She reminds me that I can do whatever I want and anyone who puts me down or takes things out on me constantly just isn't worth the upset or the frustration because it is my life and I am in control of who I keep in it with me. With out her I would never laugh the way I do nor would I feel loved by anyone aside from family. 

All 4 of them have their messages of working hard for anything you want and believe in because it won't just fall on your lap, treating others well because even just a smile can change someone's entire day but most importantly, you do you because that's what we all do best... believe in yourself and love yourself. There are always going to be bad days and the truth is.... not everyone will like you, but that is okay and well... life!! You can never please everyone so as long as you are doing things that you truly believe in and are happy with.... go and blooming do it!! I definitely feel like I am beginning to find myself and what I want to do in life. Even things like filming certain youtube videos just because that is what everyone else is doing.... no Sophie - film what you believe in and are passionate about and it will shine through and you will be so much more content. It goes with everything in life.... don't just do something because that is what someone else is doing .... if you don't really want that you won't be content. So cheesy but would you jump off a cliff just because that's what those other people over there are doing? I very much doubt it!! 

I could literally go on forever but I won't bore you. I just wanted to share some things that have really inspired and motivated me helping me get through life and start achieving things I genuinely am happy with. I wanted to share some love and positivity and remind you that you are awesome.... I have definitely be thinking and seeing things in a very different way lately and even believe in myself a little more. 


You can choose to be happy and you CAN do absolutely anything you set your mind to ... with hard work and passion. Share the love... we should be celebrating people's success and not putting them down through jealousy or hate. 

Okay I'll shut up now.... 

Have a lovely day and remember.... You Can!! 

Stay Strong
<3

Mentally or Physically Worse?

Hey Everyone,

I hope you are well and having a lovely day.

I thought I would give a little insight into how day to day life has been recently with my health not being at its best (then again when is it?). A lot of people will just see this girl who says she has all these illnesses but still works full time and does cheerleading. I get it.... it must look quite confusing to those who only see my 'I'm okay and well and happy and living life' act that I do everyday to survive in life. Don't get me wrong, I know things could be a lot worse to the point I can't do that but people also don't realise that there is a LOT that they don't see behind closed doors. Don't judge a book by its cover type thing. It is the same with anyone regardless of an illness or not. You see what people choose to let you see and they tell you what they want you to hear. I don't mean people are lying but lets be honest, when someone asks me how I am, they're expecting and want a 'yeah I am good thanks how are you', they don't want a whole conversation about all the fainting, nausea, pain, doctors appointments (and there are a lot), medicine changes etc.... I mean serious though - who's got time for that several times a day? Plus, if you haven't experienced living with a chronic illness you just won't truly understand how I am feeling mentally.

Recently my blood pressure has not been behaving. I have had quite a few pretty nasty episodes over the past couple months with my blood pressure going so high that my body goes into shut down and I literally lose a few days to week of my life because I just don't remember any of it and am just not there. It is horrible. If I am totally honest, as much as it wrecks my body and takes me a fair few days to recover physically, it affects me more mentally. I am so lucky to have some amazing family and friends who stick by me and look after me and yet after them doing literally everything for me for how ever many days whilst I am out of it, I don't remember any of it. I can't say thank you if they have come round to look after me because I don't remember it. I know that they are fully aware I am truly grateful and can't thank them enough but for me I just find it horrible being so unaware. I have the same conversation about something with my mum about 7 times over and still can't remember any of it. I sit talking to my best friend who comes to see me.... and I don't even recall it and have no idea what she is talking about when she mentions it. I know these people don't mind but for me personally.... it really gets to me. Then things like missing half a week or so of work every other week, I know it isn't my fault and they can't say much even if they wanted to but I feel bad. It makes me feel like I am selfish for staying in a full time job but not being able to work full time in reality because of all these sick days (and appointments). Someone else could be doing my job and could be there the whole time that they are needed. I know it may all sound silly but these are the kinds of things that go through my head when something or someone is affected because of me and my mucked up body.

Mental Health Pain is just a
painful as Physical Pain

I've still been having Ketamine injections every 2-3 weeks which are helping with my day time pain but still only taking the edge off after eating. I can't get up and go still! I've also been taken off the Midodrine as they think that could be one thing contributing to my crazy blood pressure. They also slowly want to bring me off all my medications and then reintroduce them slowly and see if I can start cutting any out because my little body can't cope with all the medications I'm being told to take!! Each specialist just keeps adding a new medication on for whatever they are helping with but the problem is, they aren't communicating between one another or taking into account any other medications I am on to ensure it isn't going to cause any unwanted interactions. I get that each specialist is concerned about the part they specialise in but if you think about it, everything in your body is connected. So basically what happens to something in your brain will effect other parts of your body so in reality these doctors really need to be looking at the bigger picture. Not just their puzzle piece. But what do I know.... I'm just the one suffering! I am VERY lucky to have 

my pain specialist that I do because he genuinely cares and only does things that are in my best interest rather than getting me 'better' and shipping me out. Without him I would have had so many A&E and ambulance trips recently. I would be on even more drugs than I am on and potentially some strong pain killers that are going to end up killing me. He always makes time for me and always looks at every part of the body. He is the only one to keep an eye on my blood tests and levels of stuff which is kind of important - least I thought so.


Anyways, that aside, life has been a rollercoaster to say the least (ah that makes me want to go on a rollercoaster... just not sure how my head would deal with that haha). That being said, through all the emotions and physical issues I've been dealing with, I have been inspired and encouraged by people I have never even met. Someone I spoke to ages ago when I first started my blog and my Gastroparesis video and ITV news segment messaged me the other day. It was the day after another one of my horrible episodes that really took its toll on my body and on me mentally. My day was just going so badly... I lost all my motivation I had suddenly gained and felt like giving up. I received this message that was only a paragraph long but it changed my entire day and my entire mind set. It made me realise that I am important and do make a difference in the world and can help people in my own way. I can achieve things and use these horrible obstacles to get me bigger and better places someday.
When we say something to someone we don't know the impact it can have on them. A message from a stranger (well kind of a stranger... I've chatted with her previously but not for ages and never met her) and my day has gone from 'I'm done, I can't do this anymore' to 'I can do this, I am going to do this and going to work hard for what I want and not let people get me down'. She probably had no idea or intention to do that but simply by sending a kind message and spreading love she has for all intense purposes 'saved me'. The thing with mental health is once you get into that spiral..... it is very hard to get back out of and tends to spiral downwards extremely quickly and dramatically. 

Well... anyway, I will leave it there as I'm sure I've taken up enough of your day :)
Just remember, even that small smile and hello can completely change someones mindset, mood and day. Spread love and nothing else... well and awareness about things that matter but you get what I mean!! 

Have a lovely day/evening/week/month and year and I will chat with you again soon.

Stay Strong
<3