Hey Everyone
I hope you are well and having a great week.
Recently I have been having a few ..... sh*tty days if I am honest. I have felt totally demotivated and felt like giving up, where my anxiety has completely taken over me and I didn't feel well on top of that. Now, I know we all get days like that but whenever I have them I then get into this mind set that I am not strong, a failure in life, a failure for feeling down and demotivated, like I don't deserve to have happiness etc... I think that is what makes it the hardest to pick myself back up. The thoughts that go through my head which are pretty much just putting myself down. It is okay to have bad days, weeks or even months (anyone else automatically go into the friends theme tune?). Even the people you see in the media who look like they have the perfect life and are super happy have crappy days where they are unhappy and feel like giving up. It is normal. And that is what I have been trying to tell myself.
The reason I am writing this post is partly as a way to get all my feelings out and make myself remember that it is okay and that having a bad day doesn't in any way make me a failure in life, but also for anyone out there having a bad day, week, month or even year (anyone else get the Friends theme song in their head again there?... okay I get it - I have an obsession). See, when I first lost my motivation on the weekend, I laid in bed all day watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls (which is awesome, you should watch it) and hid away from the world. Whilst that is not always a bad thing to have 'me time', it didn't help my mood and really I probably should have forced myself to do something I love. Whether it be shopping, playing with the dog, filming youtube videos or whatever else it may be. By forcing myself to do it, I start feeling happier because I am doing something I like that makes me smile and distracts my mind. Okay, I know it is not as simple as that to get myself out the funk but it is a step in the right direction and all those little steps are what helps pick you back up right?
Something I have done recently is sit down and try figure out what it is that is bringing my mood or motivation down. I know some things such as my crappy health are out of my control, but there are also things that are in my control. Whether it be who I hang out with and talk to or a job or whatever else it may be. We may not realise it but by surrounding ourselves with things like; the wrong people or staying in a job that we don't enjoy or really isn't right for you - they effect your mood massively and to some degree are in our control to try and change. I'm trying to make some changes in my life which are hopefully for the better... even if it is for the short term where I have more and more changes again and again until I'm happy. Nothing in life is perfect but then again what is perfect? Everything we experience and feel in life is what makes our journey and is what makes us us.
Sorry if you feel reading this was a waste of your time but just felt like getting it off my chest but also to remind others who are having a bad day that it is ok.... we are all entitled to regardless of what we do or don't have in our lives. There is always someone out there that loves you and that is all that matters :).... and hey - I will always be there for each and every one of you!!
I shall let you get on with your day... make it count
Thanks for taking the time to read and support me with all the lovely comments I have received lately. They mean the world to me
Stay Strong
<3
Hey Everyone,
I hope you are doing fantastic and if you are from the UK, I hope you have had a lovely Bon Fire Weekend - mine consisted of me and my dog alone at home with him barking ALL evening. He isn't a fan of fireworks!
Today, let's open up a topic that just isn't talked about all that much and has a huge stigma around it all. Mental health. It is one of those topics people just try and avoid talking about. And I can understand why, I mean it can be a very person subject and we instantly become very shut off and uncomfortable. It means talking about things we didn't want to. It brings up instant emotions. Everyone at some point in their life will know someone who has mental health issues so even if it isn't them who are suffering with it when a conversation comes up, they'll most likely know someone who is.
Mental health problems can often be part of a chain and can stem from many different things and completely varies between people (as with most health conditions.... it is what keeps doctors on their toes :) ). It could be from 1 thing or a few things or could just be one of those things. One thing it is often closely related and linked to is Chronic/Physical Illnesses. Let's start simple and break this does. Now, close your eyes (well maybe don't because then you can't read this unless you are magical... then you are pretty awesome), imagine back to the last time you were sick and stuck in bed unable to move or function... how did you feel? Pretty darn crappy right?! Now... imagine that feeling and illness you had lasting for the rest of your life - oh and add in all the hospital trips & stays, test, accusations and life changing as you knew it. You'd get pretty low, fed up and lonely. You'd end up getting all these insecurities that you've never had before with life changes that are completely out of your control. You'd get all these new feelings that would effect you is so many ways you didn't realise were possible. And suddenly, before your very eyes, not only are you battling a chronic physical illness, but you now are also battling a mental illness. And just like that, you find your link between mental & physical health. (and breathe.... my fingers and mind were working so fast then... it all just oozed out my mind like jam does out a donut.... oo now I want a donut darn it haha!). Mental and physical health is not something to be joked around about though. It has massive life impacts.
It can work the other way as well. For example, let's say you have a mental health issue that causes you to do things such as; stop yourself eating, make yourself throw up, overdose, self harm and many other things. Al those things can take its toll on your insides even if you can't see it and it can end up causing permanent physical issues due to the damage done to your insides. They are so closely linked (just like peanut butter and jelly/jam - oo now I want a PB&J sandwich.. dear oh dear) because well...... everything in your body is connected and so what happens to one part of your body can and will have an impact on all your other parts. It is like one big game of dot to dot.
So, next time you question someone's feelings or reasons for doing something or reacting a certain way, remember that just because they have been diagnose with either a physical or mental health condition, doesn't mean that they are doing it on purpose and that they are faking it or looking for attention and sympathy or thinks it would be cool and glamorous. You never know what battles other people are fighting or will end up fighting because of something else they are fighting or even because of what you or someone else says to them. Not everything is visible or said out loud. Many people choose to hide illnesses the best they can for whatever reason they feel. Sometimes people don't tell you because they are scared what you will say. Many illnesses be if physical or mental just aren't talked about. They are often topics that people make a stigma around and decide it shouldn't be discussed or make people feel bad for having it. That shouldn't be the case. All illnesses should be equal and shared. We are in the 21st century now people.... come on.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense or has a point, but as with all my blog posts (and videos - matching one for this post on my channel now), I just type what is on my mind and hope for the best :)!! But seriously, please remember that every action causes a reaction and every physical chronic illness can (and often does) cause a mental illness and every mental illness can (and often will) cause a physical chronic illness. It is like one big science experiment!
Well, that is all for this post. I would really love if everyone can start up a conversation about this and help support those who need it. Spread the love.
Stay Strong
<3
Hey Everyone,
I hope you are all doing well.
Today I wanted to discuss something that is a much talked about subject. We all know that words we say to others can really affect them in many ways and it is no different for chronic illness sufferers... we are still human (or bionic if you're like me and have a pacemaker hehe) and we still get hurt by words and ways people treat us.
Here's the thing, I spend A LOT of time at various hospital appointments to the point where I have at least one almost every week for months straight. It is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally - especially when you don't see much or any improvement in health or quality of life. I go to these appointments and tests to try improve my quality of life and to be able to try get to a point where I can live some what of a 'normal' life. That being said, in trying to improve my health and getting a life, I spend my life back and forth to doctors appointments and having to have a ton of days off work (which makes me terrified to lose
my job if they get that fed up with the amount of time i require off) and not having a life! Now if I was seeing major improvements and things coming out of all these tests then it would be so bad, but, when things for the most part don't improve and nothing changes from all the drug trials and appointments and tests..... how would you feel? Would you feel like you are making the most of your life or wasting your life? I know it only takes that one test, or one doctor or one medication that could be 'the one' that makes my health better to improve my life but how many years am I supposed to keep going to appointment after appointment in the hope of improving my quality of life before I give up and just make the best of what I can or before I accept that doctors just don't have anything they can do to help?
I always get anxious about asking for days off every 5 minutes for more doctors appointments as I don't want to lose my job. Sure it is not the job I've dreamt about and probably won't do it for the rest of my life but it still really bothers me for a few reasons. Firstly, holding down a job is my way of living a 'normal' life like healthier people. Secondly, it is a way to distract my mind from everything going on with my health as if I were to sit at home everyday I would go insane and just become depressed because of it and let my health completely ruin my life. Thirdly, like everyone, I need the money to be able to live and do things I want to. Everyone always tells me I need to think of my health and what my body needs more and that it is more important than a job, and whilst that is true in my mind as a chronic illness sufferer with illnesses I know I have for life and illnesses doctors just don't know enough about and realistically don't know what to do so they palm you off with tests and onto other doctors who do the same. I know that doctors appointments aren't going to end. It's not like an infection or an illness where you go to a few appointments have some antibiotics or medication and bish bash bosh the appointments are over and you can go back to normal. But... imagine having to do that for mostly likely the rest of your life. Imagine constantly having to let people down because a last minute appointment has come through. Having a full time job which you agreed you could work and then needing to do a 3 or 4 days week each week because of appointments.... are you seriously going to think about your health coming first each time OR are you going to get stressed about trying to keep a job because you know this illness for life and there are always going to be more appointments and which eventually is most likely to cause a problem with your manager because of the amount of time you need off and what they need for their business. Although they can't legally they can't sack you due to your health, they can make your life difficult until they manage to push you out by you quitting in which case your life is made more difficult and ends up in a horrible cycle which means more stress and in turn means your health is affected and deteriorates because of it making you more unwell that you were to start with.
If I were to lose my job because my health, not only would I suffer financially but more so emotionally and mentally because to me that is about the most normal thing I can do to feel like my health isn't completely taking over my life. So to me, when I get upset about appointments and more tests and more time off work and someone tells me 'well if you don't go to these appointments you won't have a life because you won't get better' I get so many emotions rushing through me that causes me to then snap. I get where they're coming from but it makes me so frustrated and sad and mad because all it feels like to me is I am spending my life going to drs to make my life better when in actually fact I am having no life because that is all I am doing with it. Can you see where I am coming from? Like how long do I keep going in the hope that something will help when in the 5 years this has been going on barely anything has been done with the test results and if it has, the majority of what has been tried hasn't worked and sometimes even caused worse symptoms because of side affects. It is easy to say to someone it only takes the one tablet or one doctor but when it is an on going thing and next to nothing is helping it isn't so easy to keep doing.
Everywhere I go or a lot of people I speak to who complain about life or health and how something is affecting it can really get to me at times. For example, I over heard a conversation someone had earlier today about their broken arm (which was operated on) and how having to go back and forth to the fracture clinic for the next 3 months is so frustrating and so inconvenient with work and life... now imagine having to go back and forth to hospitals and being prodded and poked for the rest of your life with the majority of those appointments really not doing much. It really frustrates me and I know we don't appreciate things or understand things until we experience them or lose them but I just don't understand why people feel the need to get wound up by my mindset or mood or nasty when I get upset by things life the millions of appointments. I'm 24 years old, I should be going out in the evenings after work and having the weekends to have fun but instead I am just schlepping from one appointment to the other and then being too exhausted for anything and in turn having no life.
Sorry for this rant but it is something that has been on my mind for so long. Don't judge someone or be nasty to them or tell them they are being stupid when you haven't walked in their shoes. And that goes for anything, not just when it comes to chronic illnesses. Just like when people say people who commit suicide are selfish.... no.... they are not. They are in such a low place and state of mind and are dealing with an illness at the end of the day. You
don't understand and may not agree with the thought process they are having as an outsider because you haven't experience it, you obviously haven't been in a place where you mentally, physically and emotionally just can't cope any more and can't see things ever getting better no matter what you try or who you have around you. You wouldn't tell a terminally ill cancer patient who decides against treatment so they can enjoy the life they have left to the best they can without the constant hospital trips and medication side affects. So why is it any different for other illnesses? Why can't people accept the sufferers feelings and thought process and frustrating without saying they are being stupid as it only takes one doctor or medicine even if it is 10 years down the line?
Please just understand that all of these physical problems cause so many more mental and emotional issues of which you can't see and can't truly understand unless you have gone through the same or similar.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject so please leave them in the comments below or on any of my social media (click on the word for the place you want to magically appear to join the conversation - Facebook - Instagram - Twitter)
That's all for now .... Have a wonderful day, evening or sleep where ever in the world you are (and whatever time is is obviously).
Stay Stron
<3
Hey Everyone
How are you all doing?
The last few months have been exceptionally hard for me. My body has really just given up on me and landed me in hospital twice in one weekend by ambulance (even got the sirens going). It has really made me stop and think about what is and isn't important in life and how un-be-lieve-ably lucky I am to have the most amazing and supportive family. So many times recently I have wanted to just give up on life and give up fighting. I have hated on life so much it is unreal. I have even turned round to my parents and said I can't do it anymore. The only reason I have done and still am fighting is for my parents, brother & sister. It sounds so extreme and sounds depressing or weak or harsh to say but it is the truth. I've always said that I am honest on here and use this as a venting place so that is what I am doing.
People always say that if you have a roof over your head and good health then life is good and you're lucky but the truth is having someone or people there for you through thick and thin is better than any physical item. I know that my family are there for me no matter what. We all say things we don't mean to each other and we all yell and call each other names but at the end of the day we love each other. I feel incredibly lucky to have the support system that I do and to have people there for me because if I didn't, I honestly don't know what I would do or what I would fight for in life....
We all love our gadgets and love to spend our money on the newest make up or fashion trend and that's great.. but when push comes to shove, is that new lipstick going to help you through a tough time or help give you advice or the strength you need to push through when you're all out of strength. It really is true when they say money can't buy happiness. You can have all the money in the world but that doesn't mean you are going to get the support you need to get through the things money can't change. Now, I may not be happy currently or even enjoying life, I may do a bit of retail therapy and feel better momentarily but what truly keeps me going is my family. They give me strength when I don't have any left. They give me something that is worth fighting for. The keep me calm when all I feel like I am going to do is go into complete overdrive, panic scream mode!
Sorry if this is upsetting to some, but I want to be honest... for myself and others. I told my parents recently that I wish the ambulance man didn't help me and basically let me die. Quite honestly, it is how I feel lately since my health has really spiralled to a rock bottom I didn't know existed. I've faced some of the hardest things and felt the worst I have before and can't see the ending or white light to this all. I can't see my health ever improving letting me lead my life in a way I wish to do it rather than being stuck in bed. Now, I am saying this because, I always read or hear people talking about how people who kill themselves or don't want to live their life are selfish and it makes me mad. I know when I said that to my parents, I wasn't saying it from a selfish place I was saying it from a place where my head isn't thinking straight and depressed some may say. Both of which isn't a selfish thing. So then, when I think about those people who don't have an amazing family or support system around them, it makes me realise I have more than I think in life to live for and my health is just a big obstacle where adjustments will need making.
I wish I could be there for everyone out there who doesn't have someone... who is dealing with whatever it is they are dealing with alone. I don't know that I'd be able to do it. So, I want to start this post off and have people allow and support and help one another. Show people that they do have someone who is there for them and willing to listen and support them through their tough time be it health, school, work or just life! You are NOT alone. I would love for you to send me messages on Facebook, Twitter, on here or on Youtube and we can start a support group or anyone wherever they are in the world. (might even give you a laugh whilst you're on my youtube :)). Together we can get each other through it.
I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have my amazing amazing parents and siblings. I may not have good health, or live in the country of my dreams, or have the job I always dreamed of as a little girl.... but I have them and I love them so much and would do anything for them - even if that means fighting for a life that right now I am not so keen on... but who knows - the future hasn't been written yet and what we do today creates tomorrow and the rest of our lives.
Sorry for the rambley post and sorry there isn't even all that much structure, I just felt the need to vent and remind myself how freaking lucky I am to have what I have. In sickness and in health..... that applies for marriages, friendships, when you have kids.... anything...
And if someone can't or won't take you when you are at your worst or when you are sick.... they sure as hell don't deserve to be around when you are happy or doing well!! Support works all ways and can be the most powerful thing in life... even more so than any medication.
Lets support each other.... and together we shall conquer the world!!
Stay Strong
<3
Recently I have been having a few ..... sh*tty days if I am honest. I have felt totally demotivated and felt like giving up, where my anxiety has completely taken over me and I didn't feel well on top of that. Now, I know we all get days like that but whenever I have them I then get into this mind set that I am not strong, a failure in life, a failure for feeling down and demotivated, like I don't deserve to have happiness etc... I think that is what makes it the hardest to pick myself back up. The thoughts that go through my head which are pretty much just putting myself down. It is okay to have bad days, weeks or even months (anyone else automatically go into the friends theme tune?). Even the people you see in the media who look like they have the perfect life and are super happy have crappy days where they are unhappy and feel like giving up. It is normal. And that is what I have been trying to tell myself.
The reason I am writing this post is partly as a way to get all my feelings out and make myself remember that it is okay and that having a bad day doesn't in any way make me a failure in life, but also for anyone out there having a bad day, week, month or even year (anyone else get the Friends theme song in their head again there?... okay I get it - I have an obsession). See, when I first lost my motivation on the weekend, I laid in bed all day watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls (which is awesome, you should watch it) and hid away from the world. Whilst that is not always a bad thing to have 'me time', it didn't help my mood and really I probably should have forced myself to do something I love. Whether it be shopping, playing with the dog, filming youtube videos or whatever else it may be. By forcing myself to do it, I start feeling happier because I am doing something I like that makes me smile and distracts my mind. Okay, I know it is not as simple as that to get myself out the funk but it is a step in the right direction and all those little steps are what helps pick you back up right?
Something I have done recently is sit down and try figure out what it is that is bringing my mood or motivation down. I know some things such as my crappy health are out of my control, but there are also things that are in my control. Whether it be who I hang out with and talk to or a job or whatever else it may be. We may not realise it but by surrounding ourselves with things like; the wrong people or staying in a job that we don't enjoy or really isn't right for you - they effect your mood massively and to some degree are in our control to try and change. I'm trying to make some changes in my life which are hopefully for the better... even if it is for the short term where I have more and more changes again and again until I'm happy. Nothing in life is perfect but then again what is perfect? Everything we experience and feel in life is what makes our journey and is what makes us us.
Sorry if you feel reading this was a waste of your time but just felt like getting it off my chest but also to remind others who are having a bad day that it is ok.... we are all entitled to regardless of what we do or don't have in our lives. There is always someone out there that loves you and that is all that matters :).... and hey - I will always be there for each and every one of you!!
