Mentally or Physically Worse?

Hey Everyone,

I hope you are well and having a lovely day.

I thought I would give a little insight into how day to day life has been recently with my health not being at its best (then again when is it?). A lot of people will just see this girl who says she has all these illnesses but still works full time and does cheerleading. I get it.... it must look quite confusing to those who only see my 'I'm okay and well and happy and living life' act that I do everyday to survive in life. Don't get me wrong, I know things could be a lot worse to the point I can't do that but people also don't realise that there is a LOT that they don't see behind closed doors. Don't judge a book by its cover type thing. It is the same with anyone regardless of an illness or not. You see what people choose to let you see and they tell you what they want you to hear. I don't mean people are lying but lets be honest, when someone asks me how I am, they're expecting and want a 'yeah I am good thanks how are you', they don't want a whole conversation about all the fainting, nausea, pain, doctors appointments (and there are a lot), medicine changes etc.... I mean serious though - who's got time for that several times a day? Plus, if you haven't experienced living with a chronic illness you just won't truly understand how I am feeling mentally.

Recently my blood pressure has not been behaving. I have had quite a few pretty nasty episodes over the past couple months with my blood pressure going so high that my body goes into shut down and I literally lose a few days to week of my life because I just don't remember any of it and am just not there. It is horrible. If I am totally honest, as much as it wrecks my body and takes me a fair few days to recover physically, it affects me more mentally. I am so lucky to have some amazing family and friends who stick by me and look after me and yet after them doing literally everything for me for how ever many days whilst I am out of it, I don't remember any of it. I can't say thank you if they have come round to look after me because I don't remember it. I know that they are fully aware I am truly grateful and can't thank them enough but for me I just find it horrible being so unaware. I have the same conversation about something with my mum about 7 times over and still can't remember any of it. I sit talking to my best friend who comes to see me.... and I don't even recall it and have no idea what she is talking about when she mentions it. I know these people don't mind but for me personally.... it really gets to me. Then things like missing half a week or so of work every other week, I know it isn't my fault and they can't say much even if they wanted to but I feel bad. It makes me feel like I am selfish for staying in a full time job but not being able to work full time in reality because of all these sick days (and appointments). Someone else could be doing my job and could be there the whole time that they are needed. I know it may all sound silly but these are the kinds of things that go through my head when something or someone is affected because of me and my mucked up body.

Mental Health Pain is just a
painful as Physical Pain

I've still been having Ketamine injections every 2-3 weeks which are helping with my day time pain but still only taking the edge off after eating. I can't get up and go still! I've also been taken off the Midodrine as they think that could be one thing contributing to my crazy blood pressure. They also slowly want to bring me off all my medications and then reintroduce them slowly and see if I can start cutting any out because my little body can't cope with all the medications I'm being told to take!! Each specialist just keeps adding a new medication on for whatever they are helping with but the problem is, they aren't communicating between one another or taking into account any other medications I am on to ensure it isn't going to cause any unwanted interactions. I get that each specialist is concerned about the part they specialise in but if you think about it, everything in your body is connected. So basically what happens to something in your brain will effect other parts of your body so in reality these doctors really need to be looking at the bigger picture. Not just their puzzle piece. But what do I know.... I'm just the one suffering! I am VERY lucky to have 

my pain specialist that I do because he genuinely cares and only does things that are in my best interest rather than getting me 'better' and shipping me out. Without him I would have had so many A&E and ambulance trips recently. I would be on even more drugs than I am on and potentially some strong pain killers that are going to end up killing me. He always makes time for me and always looks at every part of the body. He is the only one to keep an eye on my blood tests and levels of stuff which is kind of important - least I thought so.


Anyways, that aside, life has been a rollercoaster to say the least (ah that makes me want to go on a rollercoaster... just not sure how my head would deal with that haha). That being said, through all the emotions and physical issues I've been dealing with, I have been inspired and encouraged by people I have never even met. Someone I spoke to ages ago when I first started my blog and my Gastroparesis video and ITV news segment messaged me the other day. It was the day after another one of my horrible episodes that really took its toll on my body and on me mentally. My day was just going so badly... I lost all my motivation I had suddenly gained and felt like giving up. I received this message that was only a paragraph long but it changed my entire day and my entire mind set. It made me realise that I am important and do make a difference in the world and can help people in my own way. I can achieve things and use these horrible obstacles to get me bigger and better places someday.
When we say something to someone we don't know the impact it can have on them. A message from a stranger (well kind of a stranger... I've chatted with her previously but not for ages and never met her) and my day has gone from 'I'm done, I can't do this anymore' to 'I can do this, I am going to do this and going to work hard for what I want and not let people get me down'. She probably had no idea or intention to do that but simply by sending a kind message and spreading love she has for all intense purposes 'saved me'. The thing with mental health is once you get into that spiral..... it is very hard to get back out of and tends to spiral downwards extremely quickly and dramatically. 

Well... anyway, I will leave it there as I'm sure I've taken up enough of your day :)
Just remember, even that small smile and hello can completely change someones mindset, mood and day. Spread love and nothing else... well and awareness about things that matter but you get what I mean!! 

Have a lovely day/evening/week/month and year and I will chat with you again soon.

Stay Strong
<3