All About That Mind Set!

Long time no speak....

How you doing?

I'm going to be honest, I deleted and renamed the title of this post about 50 times. I haven't posted in a while now and there are a reasons for that. The first and main one being my mood and mind. My mind set is in a place that isn't the nicest of places and when my mind is in that place, writing a post just never really works out to well. Sometimes, I am so positive about life and my condition and progress etc, but others, I am probably one of the most negative people you will ever meet. I put on this act to people in the "outside world" to make it seem like I am coping well and am normal. The truth is, I am human.... I have emotions, and those emotions change like the weather. It only takes something tiny or sometimes even nothing at all to change my mood and mind set and I can go from so positive and happy to so negative and depressed. Some days I am determined to conqeur the world achieving everything I want to and more, yet others, I want to fall in a hole and stay there forever. I know it sounds so dramatic, but honestly, that's how life can be with or without a chronic illness.

 Sure, I have some great people in my life and a couple of good things coming up, but, it just isn't lifting my mood entirely. They might lift it for a little while, but not for very long.

Cheerleading is my biggest realease. For that hour and a half my mind is fully focused on something and I manage to let go of a lot of steam. Unfortunately, my mood will soon drop back down again. I feel like my mood just seems to spiral downwards and my stress levels upwards. For some reason my stress and anxiety levels are so darn high at the moment. I feel anxious about things I've never felt anxious about before and over stressed about everything and anything. It's really horrible to say but it makes me feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure that is not an easy sentence to read particularly if you are someone who is close to me. Sometimes the truth isn't all that pleasant. Not that I want to sound depressing or anything but it is true.

Your mind set can control so much in your life from the way you see or think of something to the things you do or don't do. It can even affect the way treatments work, so I am told. If you are telling yourself that something is not going to work, it most likely won't work to the best it can. I am guilty as charged when it comes to this, but in fairness, who wouldn't when you have had 3 years of all different forms of treatment not work?! Comes back to that old saying 'Postive mind Positive outcome'. Do I believe it? Hmm.... that I'm not so sure on.

 My mood and mind set are still pretty shitty (excuse my french) to be honest with you. I am using things to calm me down that I have used in the past. Some work temporarily and some... not so much. Music is a big one for me. I can put my headphones in on full blast and just drift off into another place. I love my music and would be lost without it. I'm a HUGE Demi Lovato fan and without her music, I wouldn't be able to get through a lot. She has been through so much and has come out the other side of the tunnel great. Her music tells a story that is honest but has positivity in it. Skyscraper is my all time favourite song and is always on the playlist, particularly when I'm feeling a little low.
I sometimes see this blog as a way to express my feelings and let them out in a way that I don't have to directly speak to someone. I am rubbish at sharing my problems with people as I just get too emotional and end up in tears before I'd even started speaking. And although there are always going to be things I don't want to share with anyone, I see this as a sort of release diary for the things I am ok to share and get off my chest. So, to pretend that I am perfectly fine and never 'down in the dumps' would just be lying to you all and to myself - hence everything written above. 

Another reason I haven't posted in a while is due to trying my new thingymabob. I didn't want to make a post talking about a new treatment that I'm trialing for a month but didn't know much about. I wanted to wait until I knew more about it and had some form of update to actually give. I basically wanted to know what I was talking about rather than rambling on with little to no knowledge. I am going to make a full post on it with a full journey of how it has been and have been keeping a written symptom diary. I'll have pictures and everything. It is a very new treatment so I want to be able to really explain things about it which is why I have held off so far. Does that make sense or am I just rambling? HAHA!

I don't think I have anything else to update you on really as I don't want to get into how my tummy is too much as I want to leave that for when I talk about my thingymabob.

Well, I hope you are doing well.
& until the next time we meet again,


Stay Strong
<3