Hello Hello Hello,
Once again, it has been a fair amount of time since I last wrote a post. Sorry!
Gastroparesis has this habit of knocking you right back down every time you climb up. I knew I was due a bad patch as I had a pretty good stretch of being relatively ok.
I literally feel like I am on a seesaw of emotions and physical pain. I am either up in the air having a blast and showing Gastroparesis who's boss OR I am right down there on the ground hitting rock bottom and depressed.
I have had a fair few doctors appointments since last posting, however, not much has been done. I ended up being on a second lot of anti-biotics this month with a temperature yet again. It seems the pain specialist is starting to run out of ideas. He has given me a bunch of things we could try now, but, most of them aren't really options in my eyes. His ideas include trying new medication again and most probably ending up with side affects and withdrawals again, which being perfectly honest, I am so done with that all and not going through again. I just can't.
His ideas including things like:
- Medication either by mouth, tube, up my lady parts or up the other side down there. There is no way either of those would ever happen. It is horrible and no practical either.
- Another injection that is done slightly diffusely but still in the nerve through my back.
- Find an anti epileptic medicine that can be injected. However it could cause problems with my skin going in that way.
After my last appointment with him, I swirled down into a very bad place mentally. I lost all hope and completely gave up on life. I disappeared for a day and didn't tell anyone where I was and didn't answer my phone. I'm saying this to be honest. This is what living with a chronic illness can do to you. There is no point sugar coating it and saying that I am always strong and always cope and get on with it because the truth is, no-one can. You have ups and downs. Unfortunately just a few more downs that ups.
I still have basically given up. I've lost all care for things I love (besides cheerleading) and for friends. As bad as it sounds, I really have just given up being social and having conversation. I gave up on medication and just everything in honesty. That is the reason why I haven't blogged or done youtube. I just haven't found the motivation to do them, or energy for that matter.
The pain specialist has just given me some super strength pain killers in the hope it'll give me a little break to get my mind but in an ok place. I've been given Fentanyl. Makes my head feel funny but deco helps take the edge off. As Tesco say... 'every little helps' haha :)
In all the years I have been suffering with the symptoms of Gastroparesis, I have always managed to not be sick or wretch in front of anyone aside from that time at Synagogue (though I did manage to get outside in the car park). I have a huge fear of throwing up and always have. It panics me almost always ends up giving me a panic attack of some sort. A few days ago, I had my boyfriend here and my mum made everyone dinner. I was already in pain and to be honest, I knew I shouldn't even attempt to eat. BUT, I did and hugely regret it. I didn't want to feel left out or make any-one including my self feel awkward. A few hours after eating, my stomach decided it was pay back time. We were just chilling and chatting on my bed and then I felt it. I tried soooo hard to try keep calm and hope it would pass. And then it came. I suddenly sat up and told him in a panic to get my dad. I ran to the toilet and instantly started wretching. Nothing came out but it felt like it was going to and didn't sound pleasant. My dad came up to calm me down. I didn't have a full on panic attack but it did get to the point where I had pins & needles, couldn't move my left hand because it went so stiff, my head killed and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so horrible and I curled up on my bed after and didn't talk to anyone and just hid my head in my pillow. I was horrified and felt so ill. I fell asleep as my body just became even more exhausted from it but felt super rough the following day and only had about an hours sleep the entire night.
On a real plus side, I MADE THE CHEERLEADING TEAM!! That's pretty much the only thing keeping me going right now. When I have cheer practices, I feel good like I'm achieving stuff and can let out all my steam. It feels good to be a cheerleader officially now and to be part of a team again. I know also feel a little pressure that my health will make things hard to be part of a team and not let anyone down. I love cheerleading and everything that comes with it so Gastroparesis & my body are just going to have to suck it up and get over itself. I can't wait to put that uniform on and be proud and then compete and just everything ahhhh.... My purse on the other hand, not so much a fan. Cheer is EXPENSIVE.
I think that is going to be all for now. Don't want to bore you for too long with a long update.
I'm going to try get back into posting more often... I promise.
My dad has an idea of something from America (where else), so when we find out more about that, I shall keep y'all posted.
But for now,
Stay Strong
<3
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