Hey Hey Hey
How you doin'?
As per usual, I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry I suck at this. I feel like the last few weeks have been such a blur full of crazy things.
I debated posting this for quite a while as I wrote this when my emotions were exceedingly high and the writing got very real and I wasn't sure if it was too much.
I had two weeks off of work and it was nice to have a break from somewhere that you are 24/7. Sometimes it's just a must. I have however got a Kidney Infection (waiting for bloods to confirm it but have every single symptom of it and am being treated for one. JOYS. Loving life :/
My trial of the thingumabob finished a couple of weeks ago now and am working on writing a full post about it. But, cut a long story short, the pacemaker has been turned back on!! I've got a couple of week trial period with it on full blast and if no better.... going back to an NJ Tube temporarily may be the answer until a plan is put in place. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much of a plan unless I am willing to keep trailing drug after drug. I keep getting told that 'it only takes one to work'' but how many am I supposed to try and suffer from in the mean time. I know people around me are only trying to help and that the medics have got to the point where they can only give me different types of medicine. I just don't have it in me to continually have bad reactions to medications one after the other and end up worse. With all the things they can do in medicine these days, they have no idea how or what to do now so I can do a simple task that millions of people do every single day. EAT.
I take a cocktail of medications every morning and evening just to try and live a some what 'normal' day. Do I? HA HA HA ... far from it.
I feel like I am going to just explode at every moment. The smallest things just make me go crazy. The last two pain specialist appointments have not gone well. One ended with a full on panic attack that they were almost going to have to give medicine to calm me down and the last ended with me locking myself in the toilet. Although I have known what my health condition involves and have hit many lows realising what life is going to be like, the reality of it has really hit me recently with all the failures of medicines and treatments not working. The fact that other than drug after drug, my doctors don't seem to have any clue to what to do. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my pain specialist (although he probably hates me after my last appointment) and I know he is trying his absolute best and trying his best to support me, I have just got to the point where I am so ridiculously fed up. I am literally ruining everyones life and making everything hard for everyone around me.
All I want to do is hide away, curl up and cry. Not loving life right now to be honest. Not at all!
With Christmas around the corner, my feelings are just all over the place. It's another day that is about spending time with your family and... having a big Christmas dinner. Yet another day that food is majorly involved, meaning even more of the TV adverts are food related. It is crazy that with everything that could be advertised in the world, food adverts are 99% of the ones shown over and over and over! It's doing my flipping head in. I don't watch much TV as it is because of that, but it is even worse at the moment. I'm stressed about Christmas Day because I don't want to be at my family's house with everyone watching them eat, but I also don't want to be left on my own knowing everyone is together and I am once again alone and missing out on being with all the family. It's the same catch 22 as every single occasion that happens through the year. On the flip side, I have decorated my room which now looks like santa's grotto. I originally wanted to put some fairy lights around my window because every time I see them, the seem to relax me a bit. It somehow then turned into wanting a little Christmas tree for my room that I can put more lights and glittery things on and presents once I start wrapping them up, which then also included getting even more lights for across my bed. I love it though, so I don't care! :)
I don't think I have much else to say to be honest. My mind feels like a mushy mess right now.
I also don't want to bore you any further.
So until the next time,
Stay Strong
<3
 |
| Of course, there is a bow on there. Wouldn't be Sophie's otherwise :) |
With Christmas around the corner, my feelings are just all over the place. It's another day that is about spending time with your family and... having a big Christmas dinner. Yet another day that food is majorly involved, meaning even more of the TV adverts are food related. It is crazy that with everything that could be advertised in the world, food adverts are 99% of the ones shown over and over and over! It's doing my flipping head in. I don't watch much TV as it is because of that, but it is even worse at the moment. I'm stressed about Christmas Day because I don't want to be at my family's house with everyone watching them eat, but I also don't want to be left on my own knowing everyone is together and I am once again alone and missing out on being with all the family. It's the same catch 22 as every single occasion that happens through the year. On the flip side, I have decorated my room which now looks like santa's grotto. I originally wanted to put some fairy lights around my window because every time I see them, the seem to relax me a bit. It somehow then turned into wanting a little Christmas tree for my room that I can put more lights and glittery things on and presents once I start wrapping them up, which then also included getting even more lights for across my bed. I love it though, so I don't care! :)
I also don't want to bore you any further.
So until the next time,
Stay Strong
<3
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