Hey Hey Hey,
Once again, it's been a little while since I last posted. I am going to do a full update of all the injections and such. However, for this post I wanted to talk about something that I get a lot and have been feeling it A LOT at the moment. That is.. Anxiety!
Anxiety is a horrible emotion to feel and deal with. It is one that you can't control & are totally unaware of it creeping up on you. We all have different levels of anxiety within is. It can be from something so simple such as 'oh poop I have work tomorrow' to something more nerve wracking such as a doctors appointment (which I still have even after having so many). As per usual, stress is a big culprit of raising our anxiety levels making us more sensitive to it. If you are someone who is very calm and fearless, you'll have much lower levels of anxiety and for this, I am super jealous of you.
Sometimes, when your anxiety gets really high you, it can end with you having a panic attack. I, unfortunately, have had to deal with a few of this over the last few years. I can be super calm in certain situations that others get stressed like a fire alarm going off or someone fainting. Put me in a hospital or in a situation I am not comfortable with, and we have a whole other thing going on. I'm not always aware of what it is that sets me off. I don't even always remember what's happened after an attack. I remember, well.. was told about the first major one I had the first time I was admitted into hospital for Gastroparesis to get a feeding tube. It was horrible, I felt like I couldn't breathe and had people all leaning in over me and getting all up in my grill. I do remember yelling that my feet, legs and hands all had such bad pins and needles that I physically couldn't even move them. My hands were clenched together and I just could not open them. In the end, they actually had to give me something to calm me down as I was hyperventilating and just could not calm down. I feel like I remember someone telling me to calm down and stop it... it made me so angry and worse because it wasn't and isn't something that you can just stop there and then. If you could... boy would it make life easier.
When your anxiety is high it can also mess with your mood and mind in general. I know that when my anxiety is high, I am always more sensitive and feel down in the dumps as they say. I then end up having stupid arguments over nothing with people because of my mood due to the anxiety. It drains you in so many ways and you're not fine just because the panic attack is over. You have an after shock almost.
There are some situations I know to avoid because they just get my anxiety going just thinking about being in that situation. Things like night clubs. I have been a few times and each time (unless I am totally out of it drunk - which I don't recommend), I have felt so uncomfortable and claustrophobic. I find it very difficult being around people who are drunk if I'm not. I feel like something bad is going to happen even though there most likely won't be. Even though I am in and out of hospitals loads, whenever it comes to staying in one where I am going to be alone without my mum or dad, or lying in the hospital waiting around for them to decide what to do next, I get overcome with panic and being scared. I don't even know what for and I can't explain exactly how I feel but I just ... it's horrible.
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| So many feelings come at once that you can't control! |
The reason I decided to write this post is because, my parents are going away in a few days and I rely on my mum everyday to do the tape on my NJ feeding tube. I am not allowed to do it myself as I could end up pulling the tube out. As much as no-one wants a feeding tube, when you have one, you end up becoming very attached to it. You have to remember that the tube is basically what helps keep us alive. Changing the tape sounds like it is so easy but in reality, the tape is super sticky and can stick to the tube quite a lot. The tube isn't sown into my body and can easy get dislodged.
I have one friend who I know can change my tape as she does it often and did it when we went away together. However, I'm used to having someone at home with me 24/7 pretty much in case it suddenly becomes loose, particularly after showers. For some reason, the thought of someone else touching my tube and doing it panics me. We've tried showing my dad before but then when it comes to him actually doing it I just freak out. I know my dad is not going to hurt me or yank the tube. I trust my dad with my life so it makes no sense to me as to why I just can't seem to let him do it. We showed my grandma who lives round the corner to me how to do it. She tried doing it for the first time yesterday. Now, I know things take practice, but when it comes to the tube, it needs to be spot on. If it's taped in the wrong position, it can hurt my throat or potentially move around too much. I managed to let her do it, but I was totally freaking out inside. I was getting all teary and my heart was racing. Just thinking about her doing it freaks me out. I tried counting and keeping my breathing normal and managed to not end up having a full panic attack. I just, it's getting my so anxious knowing my mum won't be here to do it. It's also then making me on edge with everything else through the day. My grandma is really trying and has made notes and 'done her homework' but it just isn't my mum and it still gets me so nervous and just ahhhhh. We've also showed one of my friends who is in the same department as me at work how to do it today. She seemed to really get the hang of it which has calmed my insides down just a tad thankfully.
Sometimes, I feel like I am totally alone in suffering with this, but, in reality, I know there are so many other people who also do. Even people I look up to which always helps me remember that no matter who you are, you can suffer with them and it's totally normal.
Panic attacks are NOT something you chose or want.
I always try and warn people I am with a lot and trust about them so they are kind of prepared I guess should one happen. People always ask what they can do to help and the answer is, honestly, not a lot. Just keep me calm and remind me that it is going to be alright whatever it is. Telling someone to stop it or getting panicky around someone having an attack does nothing but make things worse.
Something I don't think people realise, is that self esteem gets seriously knocked by having panic attacks. It always feels like people are judging you because you suffer with them. People somethings think you are using it as an excuse to get out of things or that you are making it up for attention. I always feel guilty after it because I feel like I'm ruining peoples day or something.
I wanted to see how many other people reading this suffer from panic/anxiety attacks be it not that bad or severe ones.
How do you calm yourself down and what do you find helps if you are about to or are having a panic attack?
I read blogs and watch videos about anxiety to find things that help. Everyone reacts differently so what works for one person may not help for the other person. But, the one thing that you always have to remember it to try keep your breathing slow so that you don't hyperventilate because then things can get messy. :(
Comment below or head over to my Twitter/Facebook and lets start a conversation and see if we can help one another :) You are not alone in this and there are people who understand how it feels. Try to avoid the situations you know will set your anxiety off if you can and if not... remember it isn't going to kill you no matter how horrible it can be and feel.
I love you all. Support one another and anything is possible to achieve.
Even the word "impossible" says "I'm possible"!!!
Stay Strong
<3
